I really ought to be sleeping now. I have a flight to Oakland tomorrow later today. And my shit keeps telling me I'm logged off. AIM, I know is, it's not even working. But that's beside the point.

I need sleep.

California in 18 20 hours, woo hoo! (I forgot about time zones for a minute.)

So, uh... Good night.

I'm really feeling better about this now. I talked to boy today, caught him online and actually said "hi" for once. =) I really had nothing to worry about, it was actually pretty dumb of me to be worried... drum corps + school = busy people.

And... it was nice to talk to him, to communicate in a way quicker than through letters or even e-mails. I hope we can keep that up. I'm going to stay in contact with him, no matter how hard it may be. I want to be able to say, in 20 years, that I still keep contact with some of the people I marched with my rookie year of drum corps. But more than that... I want a friend. But a little more than a friend. I don't know how to describe it.

In my mind... the perfect person I would share my life with could be happy with... everything. Someone who I could sleep beside but not necessarily sleep with. Someone I could just sit in silence with. Someone I could talk with for hours on end without shutting the fuck up. (That would be me talking about music.) Someone I could cry with, or to, or to cry on me, or whatever. Someone who would help me provide somewhere to start for my grounding because it's really hard to do on my own. Someone who I could be there for always, and who just might return that. Someone who could stand my Mana fangirling and my JRock obsessions. (Yes, I admit it: I am a Mana fangirl. He's prettier than any actual female I have ever seen.) Someone who would be understanding about my Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Someone who wouldn't tell me that I'll "grow out of" some of the things that make me who I am (AKA, yes, I have always thought the sound of kissing is disgusting, and yes, I will always think the sound of kissing is disgusting). Someone who won't get freaked out if I come home one day with a new piercing or tattoo. I'm not going to do these on a whim; every piercing I want or tattoo I will ever get will have a specific meaning to me.

Does such a person exist?

Thank you, Rachael and Terri and Chels and Calvin and... everyone. You've given me more reason to keep after what I'm trying to reach. I'm going for my goals. Well, most of them. I probably couldn't make it as an executive transvestite. I'll just leave that to Eddie Izzard.

I'm gaining hope.

Listening to some of my music and reading the lyrics (or translations) as I listen has brought me to a realisation. I listen to a lot of music that *sounds* happy and upbeat, but the lyrics are not. They've got somewhat "depressive" undertones. Or just somewhat "depressive" in general. I mean... damn, Gackt sure writes a lot of kind of sad love songs.

Talking to boy about... stuff... made me realise that maybe my situation is really better than I think it is.

But even with this kind of knowledge... I still know that I can't say anything anymore around "the group" or someone's going to think what I say is directed at them or I'm attacking them personally. It's been made obvious of that through various journal entries. So, to those people who take personal offence at things I say, here's something that *is* directed towards you: Fuck that shit. You can take offence at things I say, but they're my opinions and I am entitled to them. That's directed towards you and it could be a personal attack, if I was a bitch like that.

I'm not unhappy, but I'm not happy either. I'm just a shell. The emotional side of me is losing touch... but I don't mind. Maybe it's better that I'm becoming separate from my emotions. I did not have a headache since Tuesday until about a half hour ago. That's good, a whole day sans headache. Unfortunately it means that I'm losing bits and pieces of myself slowly. And that's bad. But I'll get over it. That's why I need someone to help me with grounding and the like. So I don't lose myself.

It's taken me an hour and a half to write this out, and it's not because I'm a slow typist.

I ramble, I know, but deal with it.

It's fine if I only find a little bit of light
Even if today's sun doesn't rise
"The falling rain will someday cease, won't it..."

Thank you, Gackt, for that little bit of wisdom.

Damn my birthday. It needs to have happened today or earlier.

I hate you, American Eagle applications. Don't know if I can actually try to get that job at the airport here now because I WAS HONEST. No, I'm not 18 yet! I'll be 18 in four days! By the time I'd be able to work I'd be 18. Fuck you.

I'll just see if I can talk to a representative on Friday when I go to fly to CA. That's the only thing I can do. Tell them, "Look, I went online and saw that there's a possible job opening here, and I needed to check things out. I'm not 18 yet but I will be in two days. I meet the other requirements aside from that, at this very point. Is there any chance that I could apply for that position without having to wait the six months? Because I was honest and answered, 'No, I'm not 18 yet' in the questionnaire thing." And hopefully they will be kind and considerate and [possibly] let me apply after I get home from CA.

What do you say? When someone tells you something that might or might not have been even remotely devastating to them. I mean... I dunno.

I'm not just super paranoid about my music. It DOES "mysteriously" vanish from where it belongs. I know it's doing that because I haven't listened to my MSI CD in a while and I had wanted to today, but nooooooooooooooooooo, it's MISSING. Damn it.

If I wasn't trying to let my hair get really fucking long again I'd shave my head again.

I keep telling myself that maybe he's writing a letter back and that's why it's been so long... but I'm not sure how true that is. I hate this. Would I have been better off to wait and see if it was *my* emotion and not someone else's. I sometimes forget, especially when there's something that I feel that matches what someone else feels, or very close. It gets amplified and I get more confused.










I'm so fucking lonely...

What if I was wrong?

What if... what I've been feeling does not belong to me, but to someone in close proximity to me? I mean, C. + J. love each other, my parents love each other, my sister loves her boyfriend... I could be feeling those and not my own (if it exists)...

Maybe it's that I cannot pick up on "good" emotions directed towards me, but I can pick up on them when they're directed towards others...

And it's been a week and a half since that letter got sent. I'm almost worried that I've said something that's really bothered him, or... I don't know.

I *hate* being confused, really I do. It bothers me more than just about any other thing I ever have been. Except so sick that I can't move, but that hasn't happened in several years. (And I am very thankful.)

Would I be better off to stay away from close relationships and stupid people in large groups <$1 to my older sister's shirt>?

I mean, I understand in drum corps there are going to be large groups of people, but I hope they're not all stupid people.

Maybe this is why I like to spend time in cemeteries... Nobody there makes opinions of you, and you can tell them anything and they're not going to go tell everybody. And it's so peaceful. There are whispers of feeling that are present, but they are old, the most recent headstone in the cemetery I like best at home is 1920-ish. The whispers of emotions are older, softer... gentler, if I may say.

I am consoling myself with drum corps this weekend and I will get to see Chels. And I will have a birthday this weekend. Then I can get my tattoo. =) It's going to be cool.

And now, something lighter than my previous post.

I'm kind of nervous about this weekend. I mean, the last time I was in California, I was like 6. The last time I went to a drum corps mid-off-season was last February and I had no idea what the fuck would happen. It's sort of the same now... and I haven't a way to try to play the music right now, so I guess I will have to just look over it and sing it to myself.

It kind of sucks that I learn differently in different environments.

In school and places where it's more of a "lecture" or "note-taking" kind of format, I am a kinesthetic learner. With music, I'm an auditory learner.

And I am such a nerd. I have pi written down to 5,249 decimal places. Hee hee.

You either care or you don't.

None of this half-assed, "Oh, I care all of a sudden now that you've given up all hope that anyone will ever give a shit that you're one year closer to dying!" Don't give me that bullshit: It's not real.

Don't give me that "You'd be surprised who cares" bullshit because it usually means that you don't but there might be someone else who does.

Don't give me bullshit about "I've been busy blablabla... " I'm busy, too. I am a full time student. I am a drum corps member. Yes, I am jobless but I'm looking for one. I make time for the people I care about. If it's 3 AM and you need someone to talk to, you can call me and I'll get up and talk to you. If you're within driving distance I'll even come and get you. Being busy is no excuse unless you're in the armed forces, working 16 hours a day, on tour, taking classes for 12 hours every day, or taking care of someone who you must be there to care for 24/7. If those don't apply, there's no excuse to leave people in the cold while you're "busy". Even if it's just 2 minutes, "Hey, how are you? I'd like to stay and talk longer but I've got to get to class/work/bed/church/etc." Make time for people. It lets them know that someone cares about them.

And if you care all of a sudden, WHY is it now? Why not last year or the year before that while I was going through more emotional shit than I am now because there were some things about myself that I hadn't been able to put into words yet? Why not four years ago, before I started high school and before I knew that there were other Empaths out there?

It's been nearly twelve years since I realised that when I'd wake up in the middle of the night, terrified, I wasn't feeling my fear. Since I realised that I really did feel others' pain. Since I found that I knew more about people than they wanted to let on because they hid their emotions.

Nine years I felt entirely alone because of this and I thought I was messed up somehow because I'd never ever heard of anyone being able to do this and never ever heard of any other paranormals (i.e. telekinetics or telepaths).

>Nine years I couldn't talk to people because I could feel some things they were feeling and they'd deny it and look at me strangely and shun me.

And nearly twelve years that I have been battling against this, trying to sort out my own emotions against those of others.

And it's been until just very recently that I have told anyone that I am an Empath. That's one huge thing to keep to yourself for so long.

And while love and the similar emotions to that (caring, etc -- not happiness/joy though) are not emotions I can pick up on at all, I sure as hell can tell when someone's faking something.

I'm not trying to give anyone a guilt trip or make anyone feel pity for me. I don't want pity or guilt; I just want things made right.

And to those of you who actually do care -- Chels, Terri, Calvin, Rachael, Greg, Mandy, and the others who've been there to encourage me through shit that's happened this year -- Thank you. So much. You've gotten me to a better place than I would have been otherwise.

But to those of you who have only started saying things after my last upset post on my journal or here... I have nothing to say. I hope you die painful deaths if you treat everyone who's like me like you treat me. No person should EVER get brushed aside when something else, maybe more fun, comes up. There is no reason to treat someone who you call "friend" like that. There is never any reason to treat someone like that. Not even if they truly do deserve it. No person should ever have to flat out tell some of their more hidden secrets for people who call them "friend" to say anything. No person should ever have to feel like nobody cares.

And if you do, talk to me.

Contemplating whether or not to also post this in livejournal, as then some of the people it's directed to will read it.

Well, I didn't go to get that job. I guess I'll just live off my refund cheque for a while, and be thankful that my parents pay for my gas. Thanks parents!

The rest of this post stems from my comment in Chels' blog.

Shit happens. Shit happens and it happens to people who are good at what they do. There are at least 3 people who were, in my opinion, unfairly cut last month. That was shit that happened to people who are good at what they do.

And I realised... At this point, I probably couldn't have gone to another junior corps without knowledge that I would have either A) a spot, or B) a very good chance of getting a spot. If I was to still play mello.

So it's very lucky that I'll be able to march this summer with the Renegades. In Texas and most of the surrounding area, there are corps that I know nothing or next to nothing about, or they're wee baby corps. I'm not too keen on going to either one, esp. with it's a wee baby corps that I know nothing about.

After this summer, I'll have three years at the corps of my choice. It probably won't be Crossmen, though. I'm not sure if I could go back there very well knowing that I was cut just because of a few fuckups in a memorisation check that was the basis of my membership. I don't like that individual performance alone constituted the cut.

I'm just not entirely sure where I will go. It could be any number of corps. I'd like to age out in a top 12 corps, but if that doesn't happen I'll be okay with it. As long as I get to age out. I don't want my last year of junior corps to have been the first one.

New people. New place. New horn. New music. A new chapter is beginning, starting with a new year of my life and a new direction in drum corps. I'm going west.

So the chapter closes. I had my stint with Crossmen. I'm finished with that, and I'm putting it away to be taken out later and read, whether it be with joy or sadness. There's been a mixture of both in the last year.

I'm done, guys. No more questioning where I stand due to mixed messages. No more flights to New Jersey. No more Crossmen, and no more YEA. Thanks anyways.

I'm starting all over again.