In your room
Where time stands still
Or moves at your will
Will you let the morning come soon
Or will you leave me lying here
In your favourite darkness
Your favourite half-light
Your favourite consciousness
Your favourite slave

In your room
Where souls disappear
Only you exist here
Will you lead me to your armchair
Or leave me lying here
Your favourite innocence
Your favourite prize
Your favourite smile
Your favourite slave

I’m hanging on your words
Living on your breath
Feeling with your skin
Will I always be here

In your room
Your burning eyes
Cause flames to arise
Will you let the fire die down soon
Or will I always be here
Your favourite passion
Your favourite game
Your favourite mirror
Your favourite slave

I’m hanging on your words
Living on your breath
Feeling with your skin
Will I always be here

Random things.

I'm afraid of the quiet: Nope.

I have cut myself: While shaving...

I'm afraid of the dark: No.

I'm afraid of facing my back to open doors at night: Sometimes, but usually if I do there ends up being a reason I should be afraid to face my back to an open door.

I've run away from home: No.

I collect comic books: No.

I shut others out when I'm sad: Typically, yes.

I communicate with others easily: Oh, hell no.

I watch the news: I listen to NPR instead, and sometimes read the paper.

I own over 5 rap CDs: Actually, I own none.

I own something from Hot Topic: Yeah. Three fishnet shirts, and a CD, and nail polish, and a Nightmare Before Christmas bag (which is currently loaned out to Catherine), and... Probably other things too, I just can't think of them.

I love Disney movies: Sometimes. I like Mulan.

I am a sucker for eyes: It depends.

I kill bugs: Sometimes.

I curse regularly: I'm trying to quit.

I have an "x" in my screen name: In one of them, yes -- but it's part of a word.

I've slipped out a "lol" in a real conversation: No. I do say "zomg!" though.

I like Spam: Or not. Definitely not.

I bake well: Yeah.

I have worn pajamas to class: Yep.

I have a job: Not yet.

I love Martha Stewart: HELL No.

I am in love with someone/like someone: There is a man I know who I love more deeply than nearly anyone else in this world.

I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS: NO. Well, only to make fun of people who "tYpE lYk DiS!!!1!!!!ONE!!!ONEONE!!!1!ELEVEN!!"

I like to laugh: Sure, why not. Crying is pretty good, too.

I have tried alcohol: Yeah, what's your point?

I have tried a cigarette: Yes. And another, and another, and... Yeah. I smoke.

I have cough drops when I'm not sick: Nope. The only medicine I ever have is naproxen because I have to take it daily for my knee. And I'm allergic to ibuprofen.

I have smoked weed: No, never.

Swallowing pills make you gag: No.

I have many emotional scars: I have ones I'll tell you about, and ones I'll only tell the man I love about.

I have many physical scars: Some.

I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room!: I hate it if there is any creepy-crawlie thing in the room, but I can handle it. I'm a Boy Scout, after all. I've slept in a tent several times.

I am really ticklish: Only in a couple of places, and no, I won't tell you where they are.

I love chocolate: It depends on what kind of chocolate.

I bite my nails: I pick at them more, but I do bite my fingertips.

I am comfortable with being me: Every now and then.

Seen a shooting star: Yes.

Laughed and had some type of beverage come out of your nose: No. Although, I have choked and had beverage come out my nose while coughing.

Swore at your parents: No.

Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour: No.

Drank a half a gallon of milk in under a minute: No.

Bitten someone: Yes. They deserved it.

Gotten the chicken pox: Twice, both times before I was six.

Crashed into a car: No. I have crashed into a chain link fence, though. (What? I had never driven before and I have nearly no depth perception, and I was being distracted.)

Ridden in a taxi: Yes.

Had feelings for someone who didn't like you back: I might now, but if he does return those feelings, then I don't.

Had a crush on a teacher/coach: Uh, no.

Been On A Plane: Not at all! I only have 47,000 frequent flying miles collected between the end of January and the end of November. (Siriusly, though? YES. I fly a lot.)

Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show: I own it, bitches!

Thrown up in a bar?: No.

Eaten Sushi: Yes! I love it!

Walked purposefully into traffic with your eyes closed: No. I don't have a death wish.

I tried to kill myself: Well, if you mean "going through airport security and getting on an aeroplane to fly somewhere", then yes. If not, then No.

I cannae wait for things to change.

Gravity is a damn strange thing.

Secrets

We've all got them.

Sometimes they're good. Sometimes they're horrific. Sometimes, they aren't anything but secrets.

I have several. I'm not going to share all of them... but I will share some.

1. I fear, above all else, being completely forgotten for the rest of my life. Nobody knows this until now, and it may not make sense because I prefer solitude to company. However, every now and again -- more during the times of year when there isn't anything occupying my time that was filled with school, work, or marching -- I like being able to talk to someone, or even just to listen to someone.

2. I still--still--cannot be friends with someone who I thought I might be able to. I can't even talk to them. It is still too painful.

3. I don't really want anything for Christmas but a steady source of income. A part-time job.

4. Although I am damn sick and tired of being Indistinguishable Backup Friend, I settle for it. At least I have something.

5. Lately, I've found myself wishing I had been born male like the doctors had told my parents I would be. Maybe I'd have a little more freedom that way.

6. I am somewhat afraid to tell him I love him... because he may think I mean it in a different way than I do, or something may happen that renders us on less than speaking terms... or something.

7. I am bitterly jealous of those who have "best friends", for they have someone to rely on. I only have myself.


What are your secrets? Comment anonymously if you don't want people to know they're yours, but I encourage you to share a secret or two... or seven.

Christmas.

It's nearing Christmas. Only six days away, it is. Such a short time until one of the most over-commercialised holidays is past. It's a funny thing.

People expect so much at this time of year. It's one of the few times they spend ridiculous amounts of money on family and friends. I, personally, have spent pretty much everything I made selling books back to buy Christmas gifts for friends, but my limit for spending on any one person was $10-15, because selling books back just doesn't make that much money. For my family, most everything had already been taken care of.

Anyways. Back to how much people spend. I know I'm not getting much. From my family, I'm getting a new suit and there was something else I'd been there when it was bought that was going as well but I forget what it was. And that's about it. The only other thing I would ask for is a bathrobe, but I can always buy one myself after I've gotten a job.

I think everything for my family from me has been taken care of, gift-wise, except perhaps my brother. (I can't talk about that though, some of them may read this and I don't want to spoil anything.)

And for my friends, even though I've only spent $10 or $15 for each of their gifts, they have been--for the most part--well thought out and considered gifts. In some cases, it's had to be a gift card because that's what's going to be the most useful for its recipient. For those whom I've purchased not a gift card, it's been something that they will like and I've made sure of that. Except one, but that's because I haven't actually talked to him since September or October and I've just guessed something he may or may not like. I'm hoping he does, though.

And I know that from my friends, I'm just not going to get much. I don't expect much. From some of them, I don't expect anything. Really, if someone wants to get me something for Christmas... right now, I wouldn't mind them paying the cost of jewellery to have my ears stretched again. 'Course, that'll only get me halfway to being able to wear my circular barbells again, but it's a start.

And... basically... all I really want for Christmas is to not be the Indistinguishable Backup Friend anymore. I'm tired of feeling that I don't matter, that my schedule is unimportant and I must work around everyone else's. I don't want to stay up one and one-half hours later than I would have wanted to waiting for someone to get home only to have them tell me that "someone's here... I'm going away" within five minutes after they get home. I spent one and one-half hours waiting for that person to get home, but if I had known that that was what was going to happen, I would have just gone to bed.

There's a lot this season that's on my mind. There's a lot that I don't want to tell anyone but a certain person because I have never known him to judge harshly or be critical of my problems. He's always been one of the best listeners I've known. I've never known him to be unkind or uncaring. The year that I marched with him I found more than just a really awesome guy to be a friend... I found a confidante and the person I love perhaps more than anyone else. Now, perhaps, I did not love him so when I first did, but in the time between then and now it has done nothing but grow greater. I would give so much to be able to see him again, but that is uncertain... at least for next summer. Whether or not I march this year will determine it.

This year has been an intriguing year; it has been wonderful and terrible in as many ways as is possible.

I wonder what next year will bring.