Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up these defences, you build this whole suit of armour, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They do something dumb on day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own any more. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
-Neil Gaiman

I just want to give the fuck up. Tell everyone, Okay, fuck you, I'm going to go find someone who *cares* and stay with them. Whether it would be someone like Chelsea, or Rachael, or any one of the people I've met through drum corps, or someone I've known most of my life, like Catie. Because those people don't randomly do weird shit and act like it's no problem when in fact it is.

Somebody please help me. I'm tired of this town. I'm tired of the people here. I want to go somewhere new. I want a chance to start all over again. I don't know where I can do that. I'm going to run out of chances and I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do.

And I've realised that, no matter how independent I may seem to be, no matter how much I tell myself and everyone around me that I am independent... I'm not. I need someone who I can be with... no matter what. A best friend? A boyfriend? I don't know. It's frustrating. If I knew the answer, I'd be pursuing it as I type this. Shit, I wouldn't even be typing this.

I'm fairly certain the reason I love JRock so much is because the songs *sound* really upbeat and probably happy, that kind of shit... but then you read the lyrics [translations] and they're actually... pretty sad songs. That's how I feel. I'm doing a fair job of convincing everyone I'm happy, or at least content, but I'm not. I feel like a JRock song. Probably... "Current" by Schwarz Stein. (That's the song that the title of this post is taken from. The lyric + the translation of it. Just a quick FYI.)

I really hate all the bullshit that's going down. Michelle and Justin aren't getting on well, then they are, then they aren't... he thinks she thinks he's cheating on her, some weird shit goes on between them, they're fine again. Jennifer has a lot of relationship shit going on, I don't understand why she seems to think she *needs* to be in a relationship, and Jesus, she's like, super-whore now.

Mandy, I can still talk to. I can even bum the occasional cigarette off her, even though they're menthols and I don't really like menthols too much. Catie, I keep up with still. We have our nightly free-minute phone call ritual. Michelle, well... We know how it goes with us. :)

Other than them... it's all drum corps people from now on. I quit non-corps people except for ~10. It can all be summed up in a line of this one Brand New song: I am the cause to all your problems. Shit likes to follow me around.

This is the end. No more controlling me. I'm going to be my own person. I want to make my own decisions and catch the shit for them myself. The next time I'm on and here and the guy who's the one I've got the kinda-sorta-crush on is on and there... I'm going to tell him that it's him. Or, no, if he reads this... I'm going to say it here: Andrew.

I was stupid enough to hold onto some of those bad relationships with so-called friends I had for so long, knowing they wouldn't get any better but telling myself that someday they would. I've come to the bridge I'm going to burn behind me, and I'm setting it on fire.

I can say that you're losing me
but I must be that which I am

I'm borrowing more lyrics from VNV Nation. They fit my situation so well, though.

I was stupid enough to tell myself that I was confusing myself on what those feelings I'd get from those so-called "friends" to convince myself that I had someone who was there for me. And now I accept that I didn't. I haven't, except for about 2 people, and there have been times when they were working through their own shit which was so much bigger than my shit. None of "the group" except those two would have been there for me if I needed one of them at 3 AM. I've come to grips with it that they just don't give a shit, and that all they wanted me for was to have someone to drag into arguements between them and to dump their shit on whenever they wanted to.

I'm not doing it anymore. You're off my fucking friends list. You can't read into my damn personal life anymore. You're not worth my shit anymore. I accept that for years you used me without giving a damn how I ended up out of it. You made me consider suicide. You made me have to go to counseling. You've put me in a bad place. I hope you die a thousand painful deaths and that all the shit you gave me comes back to you tenfold.

I tried to make this shit work. Stupidly, I did it in vain. I hoped for a Utopian world where all friendships are perfect, where people don't treat their "friends" like shit on the sidewalk. I hoped that I would have a "best friend" to congratulate after graduation -- "We made it through high school!" I hoped I would have someone to celebrate with when an acceptance letter came from the university of my choice. I hoped that maybe I'd be wrong. And I was wrong. Just not about what I wanted to be wrong about. I was wrong in telling myself that they really did care. I was wrong for putting myself through that torture.

Now, my hopes have changed. I hope I can make it through university. I hope I can get a job so I can replace my shitty car. I hope I can keep my GPA up so I can keep those scholarships. I hope I can find sponsorship. I hope for some kind of happy ending in my life.

Maybe someday my hopes will happen. I'm not putting too much hope into it, though.

The bridges behind me are burning, and I'm on my way to a new and better place. I'm going to stick the label "love" onto the unconditional, affectionate feeling I have for Bo. I might try to find another word to describe the boyfriend I'll never have, but like I just said, I'm never going to have one so I don't have to find that word.

And... I still don't understand why people like me. I fail to see the "good qualities" I have that would make someone like me. I don't know if this has been ingrained because of the abuse that I've had through the years by the people who were supposed to like me, and by the people who made it obvious that they didn't. But I still fail to see it.

I don't feel like I'm worth having a relationship with. I'm not trying to get pity or sympathy. I just want you to understand what I've been through that's made me the bitter, sometimes cynical bitch I am today. That's all. At the very least, I've gotten something off my chest.

And I think because of this I am now dependent on someone else. I can't be alone anymore. It kills me. Partly because it's very difficult sometimes to keep myself separate from everyone else when it comes to the emotional part of life. I think a lot of it has to do with me being broken by all these people.

That's about all I have to say right now.

I hope I at least made you think.

Oi.

I am continually and continuously confused. =/

Yes, I have a tattoo. I'll get a picture of it tomorrow. Maybe. Definitely after it's healed, at least. There, it's out.

So, okay. I've never had a crush on anyone before. Well, not really. I've had, like, intellectual crushes on people but that's WAY different. But I do now. =/ It's a little weird. I mean, I don't have a crush on Bo, per se. It's a very different feeling than that. I'd be perfectly happy if we were simply best friends, or some equivalent of that. Even though I don't do the best friend thing for various reasons. But I'm starting to digress a little. I would actually really rather be best friends with Bo than anything else.

Because the person I want to spend the rest of my life in a "romantic" relationship with is not the person who completes me... The person who I want to be able to go to at any time for any reason and know that I'll have someone who will listen and offer advice if it's needed is the person who completes me. That's a little strange, I guess, but I don't have normal relationships with people. Ever. I can't recall one "normal" friendship I've had. Most of the people who I'd say are my friends are people I have never fought with over anything. We've disagreed about things but that's been all it was, a disagreement. The people who I'm pretty close to who I've fought with I call my friendly-acquaintances. They're pretty close to the same as friends but not quite the same.

And I'm digressing again. I'm trying to talk about crushes, not friendship. Though I suppose the two are fairly close together.

So... No, I don't have a crush on Bo. I might say I love him, if I had any feeling to associate with the word "love". The way I feel for him is an unconditional, affectionate feeling... somewhat like how I felt for the last person who I considered to be my best friend. It is different, mostly because I haven't felt like this in at least 6 years. It's not a familiar feeling anymore.

I kinda have a crush on someone else though. He doesn't act like I don't know anything when I talk to him... We have stuff in common that we can talk about easily... I don't know, it's just a general thing... It's not very realistic, or whatever the word should be, though. He doesn't live anywhere near me.

It's a little weird. I'm not very sure... what to do, I think.

Hmm... Chels, maybe next time I'm out there we should talk about this. You seem to be able to help me work some of these things out reasonably well. =)

So I'm a little confused.

Quick question.

What do you think of me?

Be honest.

If you've let me know you care previously, that can go unmentioned. I just want to know what you think of me.

So AIM isn't working. I'm trying to stay on, but the connection keeps failing. It's a bit crap.

I wish AIM was working, there are some people I would like to talk with tonight... I wonder if it will work on the computer downstairs. Maybe there's something between the wireless signal sender thing (I forgot the word, give me a break) and my computer that's not letting stuff connect like it's supposed to.

On a side note, my license picture is not bad enough for my dad to make fun of me for it.

It's like... I feel terrible for wondering this, you'd think I might know by now...

And I hate this crap of, waiting, does he or does he not? I've become much more patient than I used to be, but in this aspect I am TERRIBLY impatient.

I'm just kinda worried... I mean, I shouldn't be, I talked to him Wednesday and he didn't seem to be totally freaked by the whole thing. So maybe it's all right. I'm still fine, whichever way it works out, but I don't want to put too much in if all I'm going to get out of it is... nothing. I mean, it would just make more sense for me to pursue someone (or whatever) who I have reasonable belief will also put stuff into the relationship. I'm just picky or something. No, it's not that I'm picky, it's that because for so many years I was the target of a lot of shit at school, I can't trust people very well anymore. It's hard for me to trust someone until I've known them for a very long time.

Drum corps has changed that, in a way. I mean... I'd say I trust Chelsea, and Rachael, and boy, and several of the other people I marched with last summer, and even some of the people on DCP who I haven't even met in real life.

I'd say I trust Catie, and Michelle... and there's got to be some degree of trust with Justin if I'm going to let him put ink in me. I trust Michelle's choice though; he is a good guy. But I'm kinda digressing there. It's not about decisions I trust, it's about who I trust. And, frankly, it isn't very many people, taking into account how many of them I know. And it's not about the people I've known for 6 years or longer.

I probably won't be able to go to Otakon, we have a rehearsal that weekend... I really wanted to go. =/ Sorry, Andrew. Maybe there's another con we can go to sometime. Or something. We'll have to figure something out. If you find another one you might want to go to, let me know. 'Cause I'm still interested in going to one. Seriously.

Gash, it's nearly midnight, I really need to quit this whole "stay up until it's 1-digit hours and then go to bed" thing.

I feel like I miss so much when I leave for the weekend. =| Whatever, those people don't keep up with me much anyways.

I'm not bitter. Maybe I'll eventually start believeing that, if I keep telling myself so.

Well, I'm home. It was a good weekend. Rehearsal went well and all that cool shit.

They made me a fuckin' birthday cake. And a card. I was very surprised. It was really cool. If I had a picture of it, I'd put it here. But I don't.

I think this year will be a good year.

This is my favourite photoshoot picture so far:


Just 'cause. It's totally freakin' awesome.