It bothers me.

There's this whole shielding/grounding thing that for some reason I cannot do at all lately. I don't know why.

I'm not weak. Or, I keep telling myself that. I'm not certain how sure of that I am anymore though.

I think I'm going to go to Capital Regiment in November. Play mellophone. March division I. Be somewhere new, somewhere that I haven't met ANYONE.

I could always go back to Bluecoats, or Crossmen, or Blue Stars... but I don't know if I want to. I'd prefer a new place, somewhere that I will be a new kid, "that chick from Texas", or whatever I'll be.

Sometimes I wonder... is it worth it at all? Really, is it?

There are three categories of people in my life: people who know things about me, people who make shit up about me to tell other people to put me down or something, and people who don't know anything about me.

Usually the last two go hand in hand... Sometimes not though.

I feel like crap, to be honest. Not physically. I just feel like crap. Like I'm worth crap to people.

And I just don't get this. There's so much stuff going on that I can't explain or anything.

What is going on?

So, today's been fun...

I got up at about 8 this morning, packed my clothes and toilet necessities and threw it, along with my sleeping bag, in my sister's car and drove 5 hours (it's supposed to be a 6 hour drive, but I averaged about 85 on the turnpike) to Oklahoma City to visit my sister. I got here about 15:45 but I didn't remember where her dormitory was so it was another 15 or so minutes before I actually got any of my stuff into her room.

Then I took a shower and Katherine cut my hair. It's nice. Tomorrow we're going to bleach/tone it so A) I don't have scary roots showing, and B) it won't be so red anymore.

After that I went fake shopping with Katherine, and two of her friends (their names escape me at the moment, Brittany and... I forget), and got some pomegranate juice (that's awesome stuff).

And we got some Bailey's and sangria, I had some of the Bailey's in a mug of vanilla-almond tea, and then part of a mug of the sangria.

We rented "Motorcycle Diaries", and we watched part of it, and I saw a college boy naked (and apparently about half the girls on this campus are, like, in love with him). We were in these guys' room to watch the movie, commandeering their telly since it's big, and he was in the shower. Naked and dripping wet. Whatever though.

Later, we went to this Chinese restaurant and saw a cute Asian guy. He had neat hair, it kinda made me think of Die, a guitarist of Dir En Grey. We've only just come home from that a few minutes ago, making a quick stop on the way back, but I'm in the dorm now. (Obviously.)

Tomorrow is going to be a full day, I'm probably going to be doing A LOT of stuff. Some shopping, maybe I can get a pair of lime-green Converse (they won't match anything I own!) or some pants, maybe some VNV Nation or Assemblage 23 album/s. Or other cool musik.

Tickets for that VNV Nation concert in May go on sale tomorrow! Excited! I'll have to check the price, talk to Catie, all that fun stuff...

But anyways... I'm going to need to go to sleep soon, I'm going to finish the sangria, brush my teeth, and go to sleep. I should sleep fairly well, due to the sangria and all...

OMK, VNV Nation is going to be in Dallas on 15 May. I might have to go. They're also going to be in San Francisco 21-22 May... and I'll be there then too. I TOTALLY WANT TO GO SEE THEM.

Too eager to appease
The cure is the disease
And it's only growing worse

Day by day it takes its hold
Divides its cells a thousandfold
And makes your blindness seem perverse

Out of sight and out of mind
Are deadly traits when they're combined
But it's easier that way

Sit and watch the world go by
While all the problems multiply
With nothing left to do but pray

I am the rain
Falling down to cover you
Wish me away
But I'm here for your own good
I am the storm
Sent to wake you from your dream
Show me your scorn
But you'll thank me in the end

These amenities are nice
But there is need for sacrifice
You must lose so you may gain

It's too easy to malign
The implements that steal our time
But it's we who are to blame

Fill your pockets while you can
And try to keep the upper hand
The voice of reason sounds so shrill

Surround yourself with all you own
Work your fingers to the bone
And happiness evades you still

I am the rain
Falling down to cover you
Wish me away
But I'm here for your own good
I am the storm
Sent to wake you from your dream
Show me your scorn
But you'll thank me in the end

Too eager to appease
You've lost the forest for the trees
And it really is a shame

It is such a sorry sight
When you evaluate your life
You've only got yourself to blame

I am the rain
Falling down to cover you
Wish me away
But I'm here for your own good
I am the storm
Sent to wake you from your dream
Show me your scorn
But you'll thank me in the end

The knowledge that things will, one day, be better than they are now never ceases to amaze me.

The sound of words I longed for said
So far pleasure undenied
Just the bloodless touch of skin
Close your eyes and turn

The storm, the fray persists
Columns form in endless rain
No loss of courage or the will
No dignity in staying

There is no love that can endure
Envelop or protect you
Forward go to open seas
The quest it is your master

No time for you to heal yourself
I wish there'd been another way
In time I hope you'll see me as
The one who held you above the waves

Your hope becomes your second skin
To envelop and protect you
The joys were never undeserved
The greatness hid no doubt

So much that you denied yourself
And so much that you never knew
Long realized, the only choice
The empty streets in rain

Can I move away from this stupid city?

I feel so weird. It's like there are only 4 things I can think about. Drum corps is one of them. Cuddling is another. The people who I consider to be my friends is the third. And Andrew is the fourth... More specifically, the crush I have on Andrew is the fourth.

I haven't even met him in real life. He's a really cool guy to talk to and all that cool shit, but I haven't met him in real life. It's a little weird... It's unrealistic to have a crush on him, isn't it? We were going to go to Otakon together but I have a drum corps rehearsal that weekend so we won't be going. We're going to try to go next year though...

I may go to Capital Regiment in November... It's pretty much either them or Crossmen, but I'm not sure how much I want to go back there next year after marching senior corps. If I'd been marching with Glassmen or something this year, then sure I'd go back to Crossmen in November. But if the BD thing doesn't work for Chels then I may go back to Crossmen so we can march together for one year.

But I'm digressing. I... Let's see, drum corps I've just talked about so I don't have to get on that subject again. So, cuddling.

Yep, I hate being touched more than almost anything else. Really, I do. But, since... um, my birthday I think, I've been feeling uber cuddly. I just want to cuddle with someone, I want to sleep with someone (in the platonic sense). I want to hold someone. And I guess I never realised how much it would hurt to be alone... But it does hurt. It hurts when I see Jenn and JP together at BAM or anywhere else... It hurts when I see my sister and her boyfriend. It hurts when I see my parents, even. Because I feel like... there's so much I'm missing out on by refusing to have a boyfriend right now. Only problem is, the one person who I would want to be my boyfriend lives in Ohio and I've never met him in real life. Ever. And I don't know what to make of the crush. Some people think it's cute that I have an unrealistic crush, but it's not necessarily cute. I don't think it is at all. And, hey, that took care of my crush on Andrew too. Kill two bugs with one shoe, or whatever it is that that dumb cliche says.

And on to... um... the people who I consider my friends. There aren't a great many of them. Well, there are more than I'll ever let on that there are, but it's still not that many taking into account the many people I know through drum corps. Less than 5% of the people I know are people I consider to be friends. There's Chelsea, and Rachael, and Catie, and Michelle, and Bo, and Andrew, and Everett, and Brenna... That's really about it, I think. To be brutally honest, I'm almost certain that's it. 9 people. That's a little scary.

Last Wednesday I watched movies with Catie and Michelle, and I got to cuddle some with Michelle. And... I liked it. A lot. Maybe 'cause in the time that I've known her, we've pretty much been friends throughout it, even since the beginning. And she's okay with cuddling with someone of the same sex. And maybe, just maybe... it's because I maybe feel safe with her. It's weird to explain to anyone who isn't an Empath. It's hard to explain to anyone who isn't an Empath. It's like, when I touch her, there's a combination of our shielding and nothing gets through. I am alone with my own feelings, and a little bit of hers sometimes. And it's such a relief. No more headache, no more drama with people pretending to like other people but they really don't, or with people pretending to be happy when they aren't... It's all gone. And it's indescribable. There is no more headache, there is no more of this pain shit I go through because of other people. It's all gone those times.

And then there's the subject of love. Love, which I have only recently defined for myself and for which there are less than 10 people who I can say I love and honestly mean it. The first person it's been applied to is Bo, because the way I feel for him is what I've marked as love. Michelle is the second. The others who are my friends are also people I might say I love.

And... I don't know, I'm super confused right now, I don't know what's going on entirely. I'm lost. I have no idea what one does with an unrealistic crush. I don't even know how I could let him know, because I have issues this whole thing with "I have a crush on Andrew but I don't want him to know!" That's not the way I am, if I have a crush on someone I'll tell them. Only problem is, Andrew is the first person I've ever had a crush on. I mean, a real crush, not an intellectual admiration of. A crush. And it's confusing. And at first I'd wondered if I just thought I had a crush on him because (from what I've heard at least) he has a crush on me. But then, thinking about it one evening when I was sitting on Michelle at BAM, I realised... No, you don't just think you do because he has a crush on you. You really do have a crush on him. Which I guess makes it doubly weird, because how often is a crush mutual? I've never heard of it happening before. Usually it's just like, "Oh, Ryan is cute! I totally have a crush on him!" or something like that.

I hate the restraints of living at home under my parents. I totally had to convince my mom that my tattoo is small and not hideous before and after I got it, and I didn't even tell my dad until he saw it (totally by my mistake) and asked about it. Then I told him the truth, and he seemed more or less satisfied with it. I do smoke occasionally, and I can't tell my parents about that and I have to be careful of where I do, in case someone who knows them sees me and decides to tell them. And I definitely can't tell them that I want to be a dominatrix, are you crazy? They'd, like, send me to a therapist. And probably the biggest thing I can't tell them is that I'm queer because they would try to CURE me. Seriously. I mean, I really do like them a lot, but I really don't like their view of homosexuality and queers. I'm the opposite of how they see it. I have absolutely no problem with someone being queer, just don't tell me every last detail of your hot passionate sex last night unless it was a lot of BDSM and that kind of shit. End of story, basically.

I wait for the day that I leave home for the last time. If I can take the hours I want to take next semester, it will be sooner than I had planned for it to be originally. Of course, to be able to be classified as a junior by hours by December, I must take 24 credit-hours next semester. I figure if I take classes on Tuesday and Thursday from 8:00-15:00, and all of those are 3 hour classes, and then on Monday-Thursday night from 18:00-21:00, that will give me 24 hours. Of course, there probably aren't that many evening classes I could sit through for that long. But I'm going to try to get to 60 hours by December, damn it. Even if I have to do some distance learning shit, take German or something, that wouldn't be too bad, and then I'd know the language. Sorta.

I don't know where I'll go though. I need to find a school with a good psychology/social work department and is also one which I can afford through scholarships, grants, work-study, or whatever means I have to pay for it. It's going to be difficult though since I'll be transferring... If I'd started last semester at home for psychology/social work, I could earn my Associate's degree but I doubt I'll be able to do that with the way I want to go about getting my hours.

So... I'm just confused. I don't know where I'll end up, I don't know what I'll do. I don't want to live alone, that's for damn sure. I'll burn that bridge when I come to it. (Something in the back of my mind tells me that's not how that is supposed to go... ) I want to go somewhere far away, somewhere that I can start all over again. It'll definitely be good for me.

This was not supposed to be this long. Really, it wasn't. I guess tonight just needed to be a novel writing night.