Sometimes I drive to run from all my demons
Sometimes I drive so I can be alone
Sometimes I drive to see the world in different light
Sometimes I drive for no reason at all

This is damn hard. It's really damn hard... And it's not exactly something I can say well either.

I... Gott, it's never been this hard to try to put something I'm thinking into words, written or otherwise. Well, spoken is different 'cause I have communication problems that I happen to not care if they get "fixed" or not. But I digress.

I hate touching people, being touched. But, like, every night for the past couple of weeks I have wanted nothing more than someone to cuddle with before I fall asleep. I want the heat of someone else's body beside mine at night. I want to be able to sit on the couch with someone and hold them. And I don't know why.

I am changing now even more than I had ever thought could be possible in such a short time.

Three weeks ago I didn't know if I would be able to march this summer. I didn't know what I'm going to do with my life. I didn't know if there was anyone in this town who I could connect with, not even necessarily the people I've known the longest. I didn't know a lot that I know now, and I was unsure of the future.

Now... I'm still unsure of the future. But I know exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to major in psychology/social work, and I want to be a dominatrix. I'll be able to march this summer if I can find someone who will let me stay with them from June to August. I can't get a job because I march corps, but I'm all right with that until August. After DCIs, I'm going to get a job. No if's, and's or but's. There is someone here who I can connect with, most definitely, and we have more in common than I thought we had back when we met... 6? 7? years ago. We've been friends since then. They're also one of the few people who I've known a long time who I haven't had a real fight with. We share common BDSM interests and Empathy. It's nice to be able to connect with someone on such a deep, emotional level even without meaning to or trying to. I'm probably going to be leaving home sometime this semester, or if not this semester I will in August. And I know where I'll be going...

And... No, I'm not "straight". I never have been. It's called pansexuality, and it's different than bisexuality. I'm attracted to utterly androgenous types. That's what it means, in my case. Just 'cause a guy spits, knows a lot about guns and cars, likes to drive fast, drinks beer... all those typically "masculine" things... Sure, do those if you want. But it's cool if you like to dress in women's clothing, too. I wouldn't have it any other way. I'll have you wear makeup. I'm not bothered by going on a date with someone who appears to be a woman. And, shit, I'm androgenous on the inside already, and apparently I'm good at genderfucking. (Uhm, that's a term used to describe when someone confuses others as to which sex they are, basically.) I'm an alternator of genders. I love it. So, yes, I am queer. But it's cool.

I'm just letting you all know. It's who I am, and if you can't handle that I'm sorry. I'm no different than I was before except now I don't have to be quiet about myself.

I feel liberated now. I can say what I want to say about subjects, I can talk shit about random things if I want to, I have more freedoms since I have someone to talk about interests with. It's a very good, though kind of unsettling, feeling.

On Sunday night I was talking to Shana and she gave me her doctor's phone number. Yay! This means that tomorrow or Wednesday I call the doctor to see when I'll be able to get in to see about that little pill thing. *grin*

So... I need to figure out how one explains BDSM to someone without sounding... ehm... sick. It's just a very weird idea to a lot of people. But I won't have a vanilla sex life. Not gonna happen. And even me saying that sounds kinda weird, considering...

I'm reading up on some basic definitions, hoping to find something that'll answer questions without being too graphic or anything... Oi.

So it's like this.

I'm dominant. I don't ever seem like I am this way, but I am. If/when I ever get into a relationship past friendship with someone, it doesn't matter who or what sex they are, they will not be in control. I won't let it happen. I have practically no control over my own life, and I must have control. I'm a control freak, if that's what that means.

To be a dominatrix is to have control, to have power. I'm all about that, and besides I'm into BDSM.

And this isn't what most people would think of me. I'm a quiet person. Not shy. I just don't like talking unless I have something to add to the conversation. I don't ramble on about shit I have no interest in. I seem pretty submissive, I think. At least I take that I seem so because people try to control me. The only person allowed to do that is Michelle, and don't even ask why. I'll kill you swiftly and silently in the night if you do.

Okay? So if you're ever interested in getting into a relationship with me [beyond friendship], you'll have to be able to deal with being the sub. You'll have to be okay with giving me control.

I am into BDSM. I want to be a dominatrix.

I'm sorry if that bothers you.

And I'm also into body modification.