I find it kinda funny,
I find it kinda sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
Things are turning more and more ridiculous, I've figured... no way around that.
It's still cold in my room, even after putting up the curtains... last night I slept in my sweatshirt. I would take my younger sister's room over this. And it's cold in my room because it's cold outside, although I believe my room is colder than anywhere else in the house, except maybe the garage. But that's made up of concrete, metal and cinderblocks, not carpet and curtains and a bed to make the room softer. It's because I have a huge window... and it's 277 Kelvin right now outside, tomorrow it's supposed to be 281 Kelvins and tomorrow night 275 with "a little wintry mix". Does that mean snow? Damn, I hope not. Not until Sunday, please... I need to be able to get to Dallas with Catherine this weekend. Speaking of... I'm excited, I can't wait to be out of the house. I'll be able to talk with Catherine, which will be good... since we've known each other since we were 5, it's easier to talk to her about some things. I have a pre-lab to do and two problem sets to finish for chemistry that are due by Friday... I've already registered for classes next spring, all I have to do now is pay for them and buy my books. I have to make sure they use my scholarship money and not the grant money, because the scholarship will only be available through the spring and summer. Next fall, I'll be done with the junior college and moved on to real university to finish my degree. Then I have to figure out what to do about my Master's. I'm going to be in school for a while... because I intend to get my PhD in psychology. I need to eat something, because I'm feeling pretty cranky right now and that's the only explanation. I need to get a job, which is increasingly difficult as people here want to hire someone who has had previous experience in retail or whatever but none of them are willing to give someone experience working in retail -- even just as a seasonal job. Some of them were, but I missed the big hiring before Thanksgiving because I was stressing out over Phantom auditions. And damn, I wish I hadn't been cut, their show this year is really excellent and I'm going to miss being out on tour. And, if I were in Phantom, I would be much more likely to see him than I am now. I know the Cavaliers are coming to Texas near the end of July (the 21-25 or something like that they'll be in this state) and so I'll be able to see him THEN, but... I want to see him before then. That's not going to happen, though, because he lives in Minnesota and I just wouldn't be comfortable asking him to fly out here sometime to visit, nor would I feel comfortable flying up there to visit him... but it's not so much that I would be uncomfortable with going to visit him, it's just that the only way it would happen would be for me to basically invite myself and that isn't something I do. So it will have to wait until July. I feel horrible about myself. I don't know how to conduct any kind of relationship -- I do okay with friendship but even that's difficult lately, I feel like I don't mean a damn thing to anyone anymore -- and I'm getting frustrated. I've already accepted that I will never, ever be anything but a friend to anyone... but I get tired of having no confidant, being left out of things, feeling like I'm just being used, feeling like no one gives a fuck about me, being ignored... And I'm sure I bring some of it upon myself. I don't communicate well, it's going to lead to me being left out of things, at the very least. Today has not been the best of days. Definitely a "down" day.
I hate this cycle.
I find it kinda sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
Things are turning more and more ridiculous, I've figured... no way around that.
It's still cold in my room, even after putting up the curtains... last night I slept in my sweatshirt. I would take my younger sister's room over this. And it's cold in my room because it's cold outside, although I believe my room is colder than anywhere else in the house, except maybe the garage. But that's made up of concrete, metal and cinderblocks, not carpet and curtains and a bed to make the room softer. It's because I have a huge window... and it's 277 Kelvin right now outside, tomorrow it's supposed to be 281 Kelvins and tomorrow night 275 with "a little wintry mix". Does that mean snow? Damn, I hope not. Not until Sunday, please... I need to be able to get to Dallas with Catherine this weekend. Speaking of... I'm excited, I can't wait to be out of the house. I'll be able to talk with Catherine, which will be good... since we've known each other since we were 5, it's easier to talk to her about some things. I have a pre-lab to do and two problem sets to finish for chemistry that are due by Friday... I've already registered for classes next spring, all I have to do now is pay for them and buy my books. I have to make sure they use my scholarship money and not the grant money, because the scholarship will only be available through the spring and summer. Next fall, I'll be done with the junior college and moved on to real university to finish my degree. Then I have to figure out what to do about my Master's. I'm going to be in school for a while... because I intend to get my PhD in psychology. I need to eat something, because I'm feeling pretty cranky right now and that's the only explanation. I need to get a job, which is increasingly difficult as people here want to hire someone who has had previous experience in retail or whatever but none of them are willing to give someone experience working in retail -- even just as a seasonal job. Some of them were, but I missed the big hiring before Thanksgiving because I was stressing out over Phantom auditions. And damn, I wish I hadn't been cut, their show this year is really excellent and I'm going to miss being out on tour. And, if I were in Phantom, I would be much more likely to see him than I am now. I know the Cavaliers are coming to Texas near the end of July (the 21-25 or something like that they'll be in this state) and so I'll be able to see him THEN, but... I want to see him before then. That's not going to happen, though, because he lives in Minnesota and I just wouldn't be comfortable asking him to fly out here sometime to visit, nor would I feel comfortable flying up there to visit him... but it's not so much that I would be uncomfortable with going to visit him, it's just that the only way it would happen would be for me to basically invite myself and that isn't something I do. So it will have to wait until July. I feel horrible about myself. I don't know how to conduct any kind of relationship -- I do okay with friendship but even that's difficult lately, I feel like I don't mean a damn thing to anyone anymore -- and I'm getting frustrated. I've already accepted that I will never, ever be anything but a friend to anyone... but I get tired of having no confidant, being left out of things, feeling like I'm just being used, feeling like no one gives a fuck about me, being ignored... And I'm sure I bring some of it upon myself. I don't communicate well, it's going to lead to me being left out of things, at the very least. Today has not been the best of days. Definitely a "down" day.
I hate this cycle.
posted by The Mastermind at 20:09
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