I feel that I may have discovered a reason for the "twisty" shit I get inside so much, and the constant headache I have.

So I put the letter in the mail this morning, and I am nervous/worried about it.

This really is bothering me.

It's hard to sit and watch someone I care about go through so much shit. Really hard. Don't jump to conclusions on who it is, for there is more than one person. It's just really fucking hard to know that there's not much I can do to help them.

This can't breathe thing won't go away. My nose is either drippy or completely stopped, but no happy medium. I've got a bit of a cough + sore throat, which I think is partly from the coughing.

There's still that fear of what if it screws something up... But I'm going to tell him nonetheless. It's going with the next letter I send. Should be by the end of the week that I send it.

In philosophy, M. and I are the quiet dissenters. We sit together and have our disagreeing opinions that we are afraid to share because everyone else in the class is either Baptist or very conservative. Nothing against either, but we can't exactly share all our views on subjects that are being taught. I get this feeling that we might be crucified for some of our outlooks on some "controversial issues" (for lack of a better phrase).

I'm stressed by all the flying I'm going to be doing -- without the bonus AA miles for booking on their website it's still more than 50K miles. I'm not so fond of flying anymore, but it's not to the point that I dread getting on the plane. (Just getting through security.) And I'm sure that by September I will be on a first-name basis with the entire American Airlines personnel at TXK. Shit... That's a lot of miles. I'll be home 3 days a week through June and July.

I have to go next week to get my license renewed, so it will be current when I fly to California at the end of the month (and not expired). I will probably do it on Monday.

This summer, I might be able to take an evening class at the college. I'd like to be able to take economics because I can have the same teacher as taught me (honours) economics + AP government in high school, and he's an awesome teacher. Really laid-back. It would probably have to be Tuesday or Wednesday evening, though, because I think there are a couple of times when I have to fly out on Thursday.

There is a possibility that I will be getting a job, working for my dentist organising files and such -- secretarial work I guess? And that sounds funny, me working for my dentist -- but he and his family attend the same church as my family so it's not really *that* weird. So, if that happens, that'll be Wednesdays, and some Mondays + Fridays, and possibly some Saturdays as well. Less free time, but hey, at least it's sort-of a steady income.

On a side note, when I went to the bookstore with M. today, Creepy Old Guy was not there. And I met J. who is the guy with the mohawk. He's a really cool guy. And M. told him about me. Makes me want to laugh. He said he'd teach me to play guitar.

And Hide is soothing me. <3 Hide. Even though he's no longer alive. His music soothes me.

This is promising to be a shitty day.

I was going to see if there was anything I could do to make my hair less red. The person I asked, who I assumed knew *something* about hair being that she was working in a hair place, suggested that I should just strip the colour and then dye it. But every time I've stripped the colour from my hair it has turned it red/orange. That's the colour I'm trying to ELIMINATE.

I was going to go on and just try dyeing it blond over this, because that might help eliminate some of the red... Hair dye is missing. As in, it is not anywhere in the house that it could be.

I had planned, if I dye my hair tonight then I can put the blue in it on Friday and I won't look different than my license picture by the time I get the new one in the mail.

NO... It's going to happen *yet again*. I'm tired of it happening every time I get a photo ID of some kind. It's ridiculous.

People keep making a HUGE DEAL when I change my hair colour. Okay, I'm ruining my hair. It's my business, just like a lot of what you do is your business.

Please, when I change my hair colour, unless it's from white to black or black to white, don't act like I've done something huge and probably horrible for my hair.

I'm going to do it.

That is all.

I am so lost.

There's the whole what if it screws something up thing...

Talking to people, I've been told to "take the risk and tell him", but I'm also not sure if it's what I think it is because I've only known him since June...

And I know it's worth the risk, but I'm just so fucking scared... I mean... when I posted in the "women" topic on DCP about all the twisty stuff... I think this is why... and it scares me... because... what if I'm wrong? ... it's just, I honestly try to see the good side of everything but it's so damn hard to so often...

(( x-posted in my livejournal ))

This... is not cool.

No, it didn't happen tonight, thankfully. I think it's because my hair is now reddish-blond instead of cranberry/dark red/brunet.

I'm still 17 at this point. I'll be 18 on the 27th -- 20 days.

Some time ago, don't remember exactly but it has to have happened since mid-December. I went to the bookstore a lot. Mostly to sit out on the "balcony" and talk with my godmom. And there's this guy who also sits outside on the porch at BAM, but on the "patio" part of it (yes, it's divided up into 3 sections).

He's 59 years old.

He thinks it's fine to date a 14 year old. He thinks it's fine to hit on a 17 year old, even when it clearly makes her uncomfortable.

I'm not his type because my hair is a dark reddish kind of brunet colour. It's not even the colour my hair is naturally! (And the reason I change the colour of my hair is because after I get tan, my face and hair are so similar in colour that it looks ridiculous.)

I resent that kind of thing. I mean, someone taking note that someone else is attractive is different than hitting on someone. I'm fine with people on DCP saying that I'm attractive. I'm not fine with this 59 year old guy hitting on me.

It's not cool, guys.

And, okay, I might not say anything about except he also does this to others. Almost every time I've been there with one of "the group" and he's been there, he's done it. To one of us. While they may see it as "Oh, that's just the way he is"... It's more than just that. Doesn't matter if he's 59 or 29. I still see a problem with hitting on someone you know is not only not interested but is also not the age of consent yet.

That's all I have to say about it... And what brought this on is some of the shit that's been going on other places with other people. Otherwise it probably would have never been said.

New hair for a new year. Well, sorta.

It's not finished yet, either. By the end of the week, there should be some blue in it too. I want it to be done before I go next week to get my license renewed, because every other time I've had a license picture done, the way I look has changed very shortly after getting the photo taken. The blue will be in for a while, I can tell you right now.

Oh, you want to see pictures?





Those are the only two of how it currently looks. After I get the red out, I'll take a couple more pictures, and again after I put the blue in.

"No, these are horrible apples, Mrs. Smith. Go away, Mrs. Smith! Go away until your daughter has a baby."

Maybe it's not really that big a deal... I'm just, afraid I guess, of screwing something up.

Am I making too much of this?