"It's the fucking invasion of the bygones!"

Yes, yes, credit to Eddie Izzard. That's not what this is about though.

I'm going to shoot for one letter a week. If I can get an address to send things to in the summer, that number will remain constant. =) Except the last few weeks, if it's how I assume it will be.

The question is... Shall I tell him? When? In person or in letter? July or August? How do you tell someone?

Too much to wonder about... I'm going to finish this letter.

All your base are belong to us.

So... I'm going to Renegades at the end of the month. In time for my birthday! Not that anyone ever remembers it, but I'm not bitter. It's just another day, but this "another day" I'll be 18. So it's very slightly special. And I'll get to see Chels, which will be pretty cool.

Not much comes with becoming 18 this year, except I can actually work somewhere that isn't foodservice here. The only problem with working is that I march corps. And there are around 20 people in the whole city who aren't in the PG band who even know what drum corps is, much less care about it. And only 3 I think that have actually marched anywhere. I'm one of them. The other two marched at least 10 years ago.

I am picking back up on writing letters again. I think I may be able to see the boy on two separate occasions this summer -- there's a show in northwest Arkansas which I might be able to go to that the Cavies will be performing at, and if there's no rehearsal or show or anything for Renegades the weekend of DCI championships I'll get to see him then too. =)

I am very thankful to have a friend like him. And as I've said before, he's the only boy I could have a crush on, I'm sure. I mean... how often are you going to find someone who, despite knowing only from one season of drum corps, you would trust with some things you've told no one, or very few someones? And who will do it for you, too... willing to help in any way they can.

Heh... and I now have "officially come out" on DCP -- I'm not that interested in boys. Some of them are nice/good/etc though. I suppose I'm just very choosy.

Today was a glasses day. I didn't feel like wearing my contacts, mostly because I was waked up at abut 4:45. Sure, the whole Venturing thing is cool, but... jeez... We were finished with the tour of the movie studio at Las Colinas + the Boy Scout museum by around 12:40. Then we went and bought stuff. I have two more Under Armour shirts now.

We're booking my flight this week, I think. Tomorrow or Monday, I think. Probably no later than that because if it's much later than that we'll end up paying an arm + a leg + my soul + $400 for the ticket. ... Or maybe just $600 or so.

In ten days I can pick up my cheque from the college. It's so nice to be able to get money back from them because I have a scholarship and a pell grant that covered all costs + a good bit of money extra this semester. My scholarship will only get me through 2 more semesters though, and the leftover has to be combined with the grant to pay my tuition. That's a perk of community college -- the 13 hours I'm taking was about $675, + ~$345 for books/other supplies. Yay. My books last semester were nearly $500, and that was books alone because all of them except my literature books were brand-new this year or they had already run out of used ones. That's what I get for buying books after classes start, I guess. Oh well. I'm not there anymore, which is a good thing for more than one reason.

I still feel a little stung about the comment I got from one of the co-caption heads at Blue Stars concerning whether or not I'd actually be returning there. That e-mail came around 4 or so days ago, and I understand that it's not cool to string people along, but I seriously feel that that comment was un-called for. You'd think that after last summer they might realise that I'm not going to lead them on, but apparently they don't. Whatever. It's not like I'm going back there. No offence to those who are there, but the corps just isn't for me anymore. I'm not sure if it really was in the first place. I, sometimes, felt unchallenged. I feel that if I went back there this year I would feel completely unchallenged.

Going to Renegades may not be so challenging either, but I have to deal with the stress of flying every weekend to and from California. That in itself adds on to anything. Flying is just so tiring, and it really has nothing to do with jet-lag. After a while, it's not "new" and/or "fun/cool" anymore. It gets old. The only good thing is the air-miles. I may be able to fly for DCA championships for free... That's good.

I've got to get on that sponsorship thing, but I want to wait until I for sure have a spot in Renegades mello line. That way I can actually be positive that yes, I'm marching this summer and I need your help. =) Mostly I need people who are willing to help me out with airfare, not dues/fees.

This is 3 toast, not 4 toast!

w00t.

I get to start racking up frequent-flyer miles.

Seriously. With Renegades... by the end of the summer, I'll have ~40,000 air miles. That's almost 2 free flights.

I'm just going to be really poor by the end of the summer too... Airfare is looking like it's going to average about $350 a ticket.

So... Sponsorships.

I'll be starting my quest for those soon... I'll need as much as I can get to help with airfare.

"Bunch of flowers!"

So...

My mood is greatly improved from previous times.

I wrote a second (very short) letter to Bo, and he's responded now. And what he said... makes me very happy.

On a side note, I could possibly go to Renegades this year...

ARRRRRRRRRGH.

Yah. Arrrrrrrrrgh.

I have to decide TONIGHT whether or not I'm going to return to Blue Stars, and e-mail Chad to let him know tomorrow.

I still don't know how the Glassmen thing will work out. I mean, I can't go to both camps. I have to pick just one.

However, I won't know until sometime next week whether or not I can go to Glassmen camp. And if I can't, then I've just screwed any chance of marching this summer that I had. Because, once March comes around, corps will have their lines set and I won't have a chance to get in anywhere.

I mean... I really, really want to go to Glassmen if I can. I can play mello if I go to Glassmen. I can't if I go to Blue Stars. And... as I've said before, once again... I'm not repeating it again.

I should be able to send the tape to Glassmen's brass caption head by next Wednesday, if I can get tape + tape recorder tomorrow and work with my old band director a bit tomorrow afternoon when I leave from practicum to go get my sister from school. And if my tape is good, camp is a go. If my tape sucks, camp is not a go, and I'm fucked.

So, what am I going to do?

I mean... I'm likely to e-mail Chad tomorrow and tell him, I won't be coming to Blue Stars camp weekend after next.

So, uh... Yah, I'm fucked, I think.

And so terribly worried.

I'm stressed.

Yeah. That's right. Me. Stressed. Is that really too new?

I don't know what I'm going to do for corps this summer. I, as I said before, don't really want to go back to Blue Stars because I don't want to play soprano/trumpet this season. I want to play mellophone. I mean, who cares that the weight of a mello is oddly balanced, or that it weighs more than a trumpet, or that the parts are harder? It's COOL, man. And after playing mello for a while... I like it better than I think I have ever liked trumpet.

At this point, if I can march mellophone somewhere and pretty much *have* a spot, I'll be good. I can't do the whole "Well, come up for the weekend and we'll see how you do" thing. I'll lose ANY chance I have if I do that. Unless I go to Trinity, which -- as Taylor put it -- would "throw babies at [me if I] went down there". And they're in Seguin. That's not so unreasonable as compared to flying to OH, MN, CA, etc.

So, essentially, I need to know for at least 85% sure that I will be able to come home with a contract from wherever I go. It's stressful.

I mean, if I had known at the first Crossmen camp that I would be cut, I'd have a greater chance to make it somewhere and less a chance of losing any chance I have at marching this summer.

They say stress is good for you, but is this much stress good for you?

And I'd like to march in a Top 12 corps, if I can, because we already bought finals tickets, and we got the expensive seats so as to not be in the endzone. But I doubt I could make it into a top 12 corps at this point. Crossmen was a chance, but they basically told me, thanks, not worth it, sorry.

I'm just worried about it all. My mum thinks that Blue Stars could make it into finals this year as a div. I corps but I don't think so. The top 12... pretty much are the same 12 corps, rather consistently... So it seems at least. And going from div. III to div. II is not really that big a jump, I mean, they were div. II in 2000, I think it was? Maybe '01? Div. II to div. I is more of a jump, I think. And it seems highly unlikely that they could make it to a top 12 corps in their first year as div. I in...

If anyone knows of a corps that is still looking for people on mellophone, let me know. Division I preferred, mostly because of the whole ticket thing that we've done for div. I finals. Also somewhere that I could conceivably make it without too much trouble/bargaining/soul-selling. (I have to do that last one to pay for tour wherever I go, and I can't sell my soul more than once.)

Should I end up with Glassmen...

To anyone who reads this... If I march with Glassmen -- whatever I end up playing -- I will very likely need sponsorships to pay for my summer tour. Even if it's just $20 to be put towards tour fees or other expenses incurred (i.e. airfare)... Every cent helps.

I mean... I told my mum that I want to go to Glassmen. As I write this post she is downstairs looking at their website for more information about them, their tour, camps, etc. Their next camp is the weekend of my birthday. That will be kind of weird. Big 1-8 at corps camp.

Anyways... She has a lot of questions that I can't answer yet. I have to find out where do I fly into, do they pick me up from the airport, among other things...

And I am terribly concerned over it. I want to march this summer almost more than anything. And I don't know what I'll do if I can't.

Sometimes I wonder if Division I is for me.

Last year, Bluecoats, I made it as far as January camp before they told me, "Well, we've signed everyone we're going to sign this year [for trumpet spots]".

I went to Blue Stars after that, after I talked to Taylor (girl I went to school with who marches Bluecoats) about other corps I could go to. I was hell-bent on marching last summer. And I did.

But now... Now, it's like... I had a great summer last summer, but I don't want to go back to Blue Stars. This is nothing against the members or the staff or the organisation as a whole... I just feel like I reached a certain point with them last summer that I can't move past if I stay with them. It's not about me marching Div. I this year, or ever. It's about reaching new heights with my abilities and learning to be a better person. And I don't feel like I can do that with Blue Stars.

Last camp, Bill told me that he had me down as an alternate for lead mellophone. He said "[they] normally don't do that, but [he wants me] on lead but couldn't actually put [me] there right now because [I] didn't have the music memorised at this camp". I was under the impression that, I come back to next camp with my music memorised and play it and I'm in the clear for a lead mello position.

This camp, I was one of the last mellos to do the memorisation check. Sure, you might think that going later on Saturday afternoon would be better 'cause it gives you time to work on the music a little more... But it also gives you time to stress about it if you don't do so hot when playing for a judge. (Which, is essentially what you are doing in the memorisation checks.) So I played Classical Gas and Fantasy. On Classical Gas, I didn't do so great, Bill told me to get my music out and look at it... But that screwed me up more because at a certain point if I have music memorised if I look at it then it screws me up. On Fantasy, however, I did well. Or so I thought. At dinner (maybe snack?) Juzeh asked me how I'd thought I'd done, and I was worried because I didn't do well on Classical Gas...

Sunday morning, while we were singing with Larry, Bill called me and a few others out for us to find out how we did. And, to my knowledge, everyone who went before me except Justin the trumpet vet didn't make it. So I was preparing myself for the worst: "You suck. You're cut. We're going to make sure you never march anywhere again."

And then it was my turn. Bill tells me... "[I'm] one of three alternates, but it probably isn't worth [my] time [or money, I assume?] to keep coming back to camps."

Way to sugar coat it, Bill.

This is nothing against the Crossmen members, or staff, or organisation as a whole. And I left the room, and went back to the cafeteria. I missed the last of singing with Larry. That was my favourite part of camp. It's just so cool to hear everyone singing separate parts of the scale... and I missed the last of it to find out that I'm not going to get to march Crossmen this summer.

I didn't cry. I haven't cried about it yet. I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or if it means I'm slowly becoming a heartless bastard.

To top that all off, my flight from Philadelphia to Dallas was delayed from 3:56 to 5:15. I missed my connecting flight home. I called my mum before I boarded the aeroplane to let her know that I was either going to be staying in a hotel overnight or she'd need to come pick me up. She came to get me, which was good, but I'm still irritated over missing my flight and not being able to get my suitcase until this morning.

And after last camp, under the impression that I had... We paid my tour fees. We bought World Championships tickets. We started getting stuff for me for the summer so we wouldn't end up having to pay tonnes of mon-eh in May to get all my shit. I was so excited about playing lead mellophone this summer. And now that's been shattered.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I e-mailed Glassmen this morning about an hour after I got home, and I'm calling them later today to get through information and details. If they have a mellophone position open, or even a trumpet one, and I have a good shot at making that position, I'll see if I can go to their February camp (25-27), which is the same weekend as my birthday (27). If, when I talk to them, there is uncertainty, I don't know what the hell I'm going to do.

I feel so awful about it right now... But as upset as I am and as bad as I feel... I feel worse for Chels.