I guess it's a good thing I'm putting things into boxes for replacing the icky 70's burnt-orange shag carpet. Okay, I didn't have to throw in the description of said carpet, but I felt like it.

It'll make it easier for me when I have to move out. Of course, I will have to find a new phone service when I do that, as well, and I'll have to transfer the things that are saved in my phone to the new one and tell people my new number... but I can do that, no problem. I probably could get a job at Subway even if I don't want to work foodservice, I'll make an exception in this case.

I'm not bitter. I welcome the change that will come at that point.

I can't be myself around the people of my family. I can't be myself around the people of the church I attend. I want to dye my hair hot pink and get my nose pierced and not have people at church give me strange looks and talk about me. I want to wear my corset and not be told I wasted my money on it and not be talked about by the people who are supposed to love me for who I am.

I don't like being stuck in a very religious home, and I want to be able to have my bond with Jesus as I want it to be. I'm not into this whole "you've got to love your neighbour as yourself, but you have to shun queers and can't love them even though they're your neighbours too" thing that the churches in my area have going on. I'm not going to stop associating with queers: I'd have to stop associating with myself then too.

Of course, if I *told* my parents what I am and/or what I want to do, they'd probably kick me out. And I'm ready for that change. I've got somewhere to go, a family who will accept me as I am and keep me as their own. Shit, I practically already am as it is.

I am the cause to all your problems,
Shelter from cold. we are never alone.
Coordinate brain and mouth.
Then ask me whats it like to have
Myself so figured out.
I wish I knew...

I'm probably going to have the oddest of job combinations once I get out of school and start work. I'm going to do social work, yes... But my "side job" will certainly be VERY different.

I don't have a lot to say right now... There's a lot I have to think about before I can talk about it.

Am I correct to defend the fist that holds this pen?
It's ink that lies,
>the pen, the page, the paper.
I live, I learn.
You will always take what I have earned.
And so aid my end while I believe I'm winning.

I don't know why I'm so... eh... about things.

Or why I've got an unrealistic crush. I guess it happens, but I have a hard time getting past the ridiculousness of it. It's funny, I guess, that everyone else can find someone in town or close enough to in town that there's no problems... and the only two people I might be or am interested in live at least as far away as El Paso is from me. That's how I have to put distances into perspective.

I need to find out who's keeping me next weekend when I go out for camp. Wouldn't be very good for me to have to stay in a box at the airport all weekend... Must find out. Tomorrow. Also must find out if I will be able to stay with people this summer, whether it's one person from the beginning of June until 8 August or if I'll be a transient... But I cannot fly every weekend. Even if I sold my soul to American Airlines in trade. It still costs far too much. Damn regional airports.

I can't sleep. Still. I think in the past 4 nights I've had about 12 hours of sleep. Total. And I don't even have anyone to share my insomnia with. I'm sitting here in my room by myself talking to no one and knowing I should be sleeping but I... can't. I'm not even sure why. But it REALLY bothers me. I mean, yes, I can function on around 4-6 hours of sleep and in fact tend to be at my best when I've had that much. Or when I've had, like, 18 hours of sleep. However, I rarely get 4-6 or 18 hours of sleep at once. It's usually either about 3 or 7-9. And I get so screwed up then. But the point is that I can't sleep. I'm not even getting 3 hours of sleep every night, or when I do it's nowhere near constant sleep. It's funny because the times that I'm stuck sharing a bed with my little sister when we've gone on family trips I can't sleep at all. But I wish I had someone to sleep beside when times like these come.

And unfortunately for me I guess, there's no one in this ridiculous city/town who I'd say is worth more than a friend. Well, not worth more than a friend, nobody is worth more than that. There's no one here who would be okay in a relationship where we're friends first and foremost and always and dating second. There's no one here who wouldn't make me choose between him and my friends, eventually. Because, here's the way it is: If you would have me choose, you shouldn't be with me. Find someone who's fine with screwing their friends over when they get a boyfriend. Be happy with them. But don't expect me to give you the time of day if you ask me to choose.

And unfortunately for me I've become convinced that I forever will be single, I will die single and will set a world record for staying single the longest. And I say I'm over it, too. Well, I am, mostly. I just don't like the idea of being alone for my entire life. I don't know if that's ever going to change. My biggest problem is that there aren't many people I'd be able to share the rest of my life with. Mostly as a result of my vague misanthropy. Of course, I'd also have to be with someone who's emotionally stable enough that I actually *could* share the rest of my life with them...

I'm done for now. Maybe some talk with friends, maybe not.

Set me aflame and cast me free.
Away, you wretched world of tethers.
Through the endless night and day
I have never wanted more.
Always thought that I would stand
before the faceless name of justice.
Like some law unto myself,
like a child of God again.

And if rain brings winds of change
let it rain on us forever.
I have no doubt from what I've seen
that I have never wanted more.
With this line I'll mark the past
as a symbol of beginning.
I have no doubt from what I've seen
that I have never wanted more.

In this picture stands a man,
far away, alone and distant.
Like a solitary field
in some nameless foreign land.
All around the points of light
start to dim and cease transmitting.
Shadows fell on futile games
and then there was nothing more.

Through the screams of falling steel.
By the light of flares and wisdom.
All the doubts I could not face.
All this time I wanted more.
With a line I'll mark the past
as a symbol of beginning.
To the gods whose names we've lost
and the names who gave in vain.

And if rain brings winds of change
let it rain on us forever.
I have no doubt from what I've seen
that I have never wanted more.
With this line I'll mark the past
as a symbol of beginning.
I have no doubt from what I've seen
that I have never wanted more.

Set me aflame and cast me free.
Away, you wretched world of tethers.
Through the endless night and day
I have never wanted more.
Always thought that I would stand
before the faceless name of justice.

Like some law unto myself,
like a child of God again.

And if rain brings winds of change
let it rain on us forever.
I have no doubt from what I've seen
that I have never wanted more.
With this line I'll mark the past
as a symbol of beginning.
I have no doubt from what I've seen
that I have never wanted more.

Sever the line to the guilty past,
to the ones who brought us nothing
Spoke of futures brave and proud
and brought only hate and war.
Lined the roads with hollow praise.
Marked the land with paper statues.

Shadows fell on their futile ways
and then there was nothing more.

I've finally come to the decision of what I want to do with my life.

I'm going to go into social work.

Yes, I'm still interested in special effects for movies + journalism + linguistics, but psychology/social work is what I'm going to do.

It'll be a little weird to switch from theatre to psychology/social work but I think it'll be worth the weirdness.