I don't know why I'm so... eh... about things.
Or why I've got an unrealistic crush. I guess it happens, but I have a hard time getting past the ridiculousness of it. It's funny, I guess, that everyone else can find someone in town or close enough to in town that there's no problems... and the only two people I might be or am interested in live at least as far away as El Paso is from me. That's how I have to put distances into perspective.
I need to find out who's keeping me next weekend when I go out for camp. Wouldn't be very good for me to have to stay in a box at the airport all weekend... Must find out. Tomorrow. Also must find out if I will be able to stay with people this summer, whether it's one person from the beginning of June until 8 August or if I'll be a transient... But I cannot fly every weekend. Even if I sold my soul to American Airlines in trade. It still costs far too much. Damn regional airports.
I can't sleep. Still. I think in the past 4 nights I've had about 12 hours of sleep. Total. And I don't even have anyone to share my insomnia with. I'm sitting here in my room by myself talking to no one and knowing I should be sleeping but I... can't. I'm not even sure why. But it REALLY bothers me. I mean, yes, I can function on around 4-6 hours of sleep and in fact tend to be at my best when I've had that much. Or when I've had, like, 18 hours of sleep. However, I rarely get 4-6 or 18 hours of sleep at once. It's usually either about 3 or 7-9. And I get so screwed up then. But the point is that I can't sleep. I'm not even getting 3 hours of sleep every night, or when I do it's nowhere near constant sleep. It's funny because the times that I'm stuck sharing a bed with my little sister when we've gone on family trips I can't sleep at all. But I wish I had someone to sleep beside when times like these come.
And unfortunately for me I guess, there's no one in this ridiculous city/town who I'd say is worth more than a friend. Well, not worth more than a friend, nobody is worth more than that. There's no one here who would be okay in a relationship where we're friends first and foremost and always and dating second. There's no one here who wouldn't make me choose between him and my friends, eventually. Because, here's the way it is: If you would have me choose, you shouldn't be with me. Find someone who's fine with screwing their friends over when they get a boyfriend. Be happy with them. But don't expect me to give you the time of day if you ask me to choose.
And unfortunately for me I've become convinced that I forever will be single, I will die single and will set a world record for staying single the longest. And I say I'm over it, too. Well, I am, mostly. I just don't like the idea of being alone for my entire life. I don't know if that's ever going to change. My biggest problem is that there aren't many people I'd be able to share the rest of my life with. Mostly as a result of my vague misanthropy. Of course, I'd also have to be with someone who's emotionally stable enough that I actually *could* share the rest of my life with them...
I'm done for now. Maybe some talk with friends, maybe not.
Set me aflame and cast me free.
Away, you wretched world of tethers.
Through the endless night and day
I have never wanted more.
Always thought that I would stand
before the faceless name of justice.
Like some law unto myself,
like a child of God again.
And if rain brings winds of change
let it rain on us forever.
I have no doubt from what I've seen
that I have never wanted more.
With this line I'll mark the past
as a symbol of beginning.
I have no doubt from what I've seen
that I have never wanted more.
In this picture stands a man,
far away, alone and distant.
Like a solitary field
in some nameless foreign land.
All around the points of light
start to dim and cease transmitting.
Shadows fell on futile games
and then there was nothing more.
Through the screams of falling steel.
By the light of flares and wisdom.
All the doubts I could not face.
All this time I wanted more.
With a line I'll mark the past
as a symbol of beginning.
To the gods whose names we've lost
and the names who gave in vain.
And if rain brings winds of change
let it rain on us forever.
I have no doubt from what I've seen
that I have never wanted more.
With this line I'll mark the past
as a symbol of beginning.
I have no doubt from what I've seen
that I have never wanted more.
Set me aflame and cast me free.
Away, you wretched world of tethers.
Through the endless night and day
I have never wanted more.
Always thought that I would stand
before the faceless name of justice.
Like some law unto myself,
like a child of God again.
And if rain brings winds of change
let it rain on us forever.
I have no doubt from what I've seen
that I have never wanted more.
With this line I'll mark the past
as a symbol of beginning.
I have no doubt from what I've seen
that I have never wanted more.
Sever the line to the guilty past,
to the ones who brought us nothing
Spoke of futures brave and proud
and brought only hate and war.
Lined the roads with hollow praise.
Marked the land with paper statues.
Shadows fell on their futile ways
and then there was nothing more.
Or why I've got an unrealistic crush. I guess it happens, but I have a hard time getting past the ridiculousness of it. It's funny, I guess, that everyone else can find someone in town or close enough to in town that there's no problems... and the only two people I might be or am interested in live at least as far away as El Paso is from me. That's how I have to put distances into perspective.
I need to find out who's keeping me next weekend when I go out for camp. Wouldn't be very good for me to have to stay in a box at the airport all weekend... Must find out. Tomorrow. Also must find out if I will be able to stay with people this summer, whether it's one person from the beginning of June until 8 August or if I'll be a transient... But I cannot fly every weekend. Even if I sold my soul to American Airlines in trade. It still costs far too much. Damn regional airports.
I can't sleep. Still. I think in the past 4 nights I've had about 12 hours of sleep. Total. And I don't even have anyone to share my insomnia with. I'm sitting here in my room by myself talking to no one and knowing I should be sleeping but I... can't. I'm not even sure why. But it REALLY bothers me. I mean, yes, I can function on around 4-6 hours of sleep and in fact tend to be at my best when I've had that much. Or when I've had, like, 18 hours of sleep. However, I rarely get 4-6 or 18 hours of sleep at once. It's usually either about 3 or 7-9. And I get so screwed up then. But the point is that I can't sleep. I'm not even getting 3 hours of sleep every night, or when I do it's nowhere near constant sleep. It's funny because the times that I'm stuck sharing a bed with my little sister when we've gone on family trips I can't sleep at all. But I wish I had someone to sleep beside when times like these come.
And unfortunately for me I guess, there's no one in this ridiculous city/town who I'd say is worth more than a friend. Well, not worth more than a friend, nobody is worth more than that. There's no one here who would be okay in a relationship where we're friends first and foremost and always and dating second. There's no one here who wouldn't make me choose between him and my friends, eventually. Because, here's the way it is: If you would have me choose, you shouldn't be with me. Find someone who's fine with screwing their friends over when they get a boyfriend. Be happy with them. But don't expect me to give you the time of day if you ask me to choose.
And unfortunately for me I've become convinced that I forever will be single, I will die single and will set a world record for staying single the longest. And I say I'm over it, too. Well, I am, mostly. I just don't like the idea of being alone for my entire life. I don't know if that's ever going to change. My biggest problem is that there aren't many people I'd be able to share the rest of my life with. Mostly as a result of my vague misanthropy. Of course, I'd also have to be with someone who's emotionally stable enough that I actually *could* share the rest of my life with them...
I'm done for now. Maybe some talk with friends, maybe not.
Set me aflame and cast me free.
Away, you wretched world of tethers.
Through the endless night and day
I have never wanted more.
Always thought that I would stand
before the faceless name of justice.
Like some law unto myself,
like a child of God again.
And if rain brings winds of change
let it rain on us forever.
I have no doubt from what I've seen
that I have never wanted more.
With this line I'll mark the past
as a symbol of beginning.
I have no doubt from what I've seen
that I have never wanted more.
In this picture stands a man,
far away, alone and distant.
Like a solitary field
in some nameless foreign land.
All around the points of light
start to dim and cease transmitting.
Shadows fell on futile games
and then there was nothing more.
Through the screams of falling steel.
By the light of flares and wisdom.
All the doubts I could not face.
All this time I wanted more.
With a line I'll mark the past
as a symbol of beginning.
To the gods whose names we've lost
and the names who gave in vain.
And if rain brings winds of change
let it rain on us forever.
I have no doubt from what I've seen
that I have never wanted more.
With this line I'll mark the past
as a symbol of beginning.
I have no doubt from what I've seen
that I have never wanted more.
Set me aflame and cast me free.
Away, you wretched world of tethers.
Through the endless night and day
I have never wanted more.
Always thought that I would stand
before the faceless name of justice.
Like some law unto myself,
like a child of God again.
And if rain brings winds of change
let it rain on us forever.
I have no doubt from what I've seen
that I have never wanted more.
With this line I'll mark the past
as a symbol of beginning.
I have no doubt from what I've seen
that I have never wanted more.
Sever the line to the guilty past,
to the ones who brought us nothing
Spoke of futures brave and proud
and brought only hate and war.
Lined the roads with hollow praise.
Marked the land with paper statues.
Shadows fell on their futile ways
and then there was nothing more.
posted by The Mastermind at 00:53
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