Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up these defences, you build this whole suit of armour, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They do something dumb on day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own any more. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
-Neil Gaiman

I just want to give the fuck up. Tell everyone, Okay, fuck you, I'm going to go find someone who *cares* and stay with them. Whether it would be someone like Chelsea, or Rachael, or any one of the people I've met through drum corps, or someone I've known most of my life, like Catie. Because those people don't randomly do weird shit and act like it's no problem when in fact it is.

Somebody please help me. I'm tired of this town. I'm tired of the people here. I want to go somewhere new. I want a chance to start all over again. I don't know where I can do that. I'm going to run out of chances and I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do.

And I've realised that, no matter how independent I may seem to be, no matter how much I tell myself and everyone around me that I am independent... I'm not. I need someone who I can be with... no matter what. A best friend? A boyfriend? I don't know. It's frustrating. If I knew the answer, I'd be pursuing it as I type this. Shit, I wouldn't even be typing this.

I'm fairly certain the reason I love JRock so much is because the songs *sound* really upbeat and probably happy, that kind of shit... but then you read the lyrics [translations] and they're actually... pretty sad songs. That's how I feel. I'm doing a fair job of convincing everyone I'm happy, or at least content, but I'm not. I feel like a JRock song. Probably... "Current" by Schwarz Stein. (That's the song that the title of this post is taken from. The lyric + the translation of it. Just a quick FYI.)

I really hate all the bullshit that's going down. Michelle and Justin aren't getting on well, then they are, then they aren't... he thinks she thinks he's cheating on her, some weird shit goes on between them, they're fine again. Jennifer has a lot of relationship shit going on, I don't understand why she seems to think she *needs* to be in a relationship, and Jesus, she's like, super-whore now.

Mandy, I can still talk to. I can even bum the occasional cigarette off her, even though they're menthols and I don't really like menthols too much. Catie, I keep up with still. We have our nightly free-minute phone call ritual. Michelle, well... We know how it goes with us. :)

Other than them... it's all drum corps people from now on. I quit non-corps people except for ~10. It can all be summed up in a line of this one Brand New song: I am the cause to all your problems. Shit likes to follow me around.

This is the end. No more controlling me. I'm going to be my own person. I want to make my own decisions and catch the shit for them myself. The next time I'm on and here and the guy who's the one I've got the kinda-sorta-crush on is on and there... I'm going to tell him that it's him. Or, no, if he reads this... I'm going to say it here: Andrew.

I was stupid enough to hold onto some of those bad relationships with so-called friends I had for so long, knowing they wouldn't get any better but telling myself that someday they would. I've come to the bridge I'm going to burn behind me, and I'm setting it on fire.

I can say that you're losing me
but I must be that which I am

I'm borrowing more lyrics from VNV Nation. They fit my situation so well, though.

I was stupid enough to tell myself that I was confusing myself on what those feelings I'd get from those so-called "friends" to convince myself that I had someone who was there for me. And now I accept that I didn't. I haven't, except for about 2 people, and there have been times when they were working through their own shit which was so much bigger than my shit. None of "the group" except those two would have been there for me if I needed one of them at 3 AM. I've come to grips with it that they just don't give a shit, and that all they wanted me for was to have someone to drag into arguements between them and to dump their shit on whenever they wanted to.

I'm not doing it anymore. You're off my fucking friends list. You can't read into my damn personal life anymore. You're not worth my shit anymore. I accept that for years you used me without giving a damn how I ended up out of it. You made me consider suicide. You made me have to go to counseling. You've put me in a bad place. I hope you die a thousand painful deaths and that all the shit you gave me comes back to you tenfold.

I tried to make this shit work. Stupidly, I did it in vain. I hoped for a Utopian world where all friendships are perfect, where people don't treat their "friends" like shit on the sidewalk. I hoped that I would have a "best friend" to congratulate after graduation -- "We made it through high school!" I hoped I would have someone to celebrate with when an acceptance letter came from the university of my choice. I hoped that maybe I'd be wrong. And I was wrong. Just not about what I wanted to be wrong about. I was wrong in telling myself that they really did care. I was wrong for putting myself through that torture.

Now, my hopes have changed. I hope I can make it through university. I hope I can get a job so I can replace my shitty car. I hope I can keep my GPA up so I can keep those scholarships. I hope I can find sponsorship. I hope for some kind of happy ending in my life.

Maybe someday my hopes will happen. I'm not putting too much hope into it, though.

The bridges behind me are burning, and I'm on my way to a new and better place. I'm going to stick the label "love" onto the unconditional, affectionate feeling I have for Bo. I might try to find another word to describe the boyfriend I'll never have, but like I just said, I'm never going to have one so I don't have to find that word.

And... I still don't understand why people like me. I fail to see the "good qualities" I have that would make someone like me. I don't know if this has been ingrained because of the abuse that I've had through the years by the people who were supposed to like me, and by the people who made it obvious that they didn't. But I still fail to see it.

I don't feel like I'm worth having a relationship with. I'm not trying to get pity or sympathy. I just want you to understand what I've been through that's made me the bitter, sometimes cynical bitch I am today. That's all. At the very least, I've gotten something off my chest.

And I think because of this I am now dependent on someone else. I can't be alone anymore. It kills me. Partly because it's very difficult sometimes to keep myself separate from everyone else when it comes to the emotional part of life. I think a lot of it has to do with me being broken by all these people.

That's about all I have to say right now.

I hope I at least made you think.