I'm really feeling better about this now. I talked to boy today, caught him online and actually said "hi" for once. =) I really had nothing to worry about, it was actually pretty dumb of me to be worried... drum corps + school = busy people.
And... it was nice to talk to him, to communicate in a way quicker than through letters or even e-mails. I hope we can keep that up. I'm going to stay in contact with him, no matter how hard it may be. I want to be able to say, in 20 years, that I still keep contact with some of the people I marched with my rookie year of drum corps. But more than that... I want a friend. But a little more than a friend. I don't know how to describe it.
In my mind... the perfect person I would share my life with could be happy with... everything. Someone who I could sleep beside but not necessarily sleep with. Someone I could just sit in silence with. Someone I could talk with for hours on end without shutting the fuck up. (That would be me talking about music.) Someone I could cry with, or to, or to cry on me, or whatever. Someone who would help me provide somewhere to start for my grounding because it's really hard to do on my own. Someone who I could be there for always, and who just might return that. Someone who could stand my Mana fangirling and my JRock obsessions. (Yes, I admit it: I am a Mana fangirl. He's prettier than any actual female I have ever seen.) Someone who would be understanding about my Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Someone who wouldn't tell me that I'll "grow out of" some of the things that make me who I am (AKA, yes, I have always thought the sound of kissing is disgusting, and yes, I will always think the sound of kissing is disgusting). Someone who won't get freaked out if I come home one day with a new piercing or tattoo. I'm not going to do these on a whim; every piercing I want or tattoo I will ever get will have a specific meaning to me.
Does such a person exist?
Thank you, Rachael and Terri and Chels and Calvin and... everyone. You've given me more reason to keep after what I'm trying to reach. I'm going for my goals. Well, most of them. I probably couldn't make it as an executive transvestite. I'll just leave that to Eddie Izzard.
I'm gaining hope.
Listening to some of my music and reading the lyrics (or translations) as I listen has brought me to a realisation. I listen to a lot of music that *sounds* happy and upbeat, but the lyrics are not. They've got somewhat "depressive" undertones. Or just somewhat "depressive" in general. I mean... damn, Gackt sure writes a lot of kind of sad love songs.
Talking to boy about... stuff... made me realise that maybe my situation is really better than I think it is.
But even with this kind of knowledge... I still know that I can't say anything anymore around "the group" or someone's going to think what I say is directed at them or I'm attacking them personally. It's been made obvious of that through various journal entries. So, to those people who take personal offence at things I say, here's something that *is* directed towards you: Fuck that shit. You can take offence at things I say, but they're my opinions and I am entitled to them. That's directed towards you and it could be a personal attack, if I was a bitch like that.
I'm not unhappy, but I'm not happy either. I'm just a shell. The emotional side of me is losing touch... but I don't mind. Maybe it's better that I'm becoming separate from my emotions. I did not have a headache since Tuesday until about a half hour ago. That's good, a whole day sans headache. Unfortunately it means that I'm losing bits and pieces of myself slowly. And that's bad. But I'll get over it. That's why I need someone to help me with grounding and the like. So I don't lose myself.
It's taken me an hour and a half to write this out, and it's not because I'm a slow typist.
I ramble, I know, but deal with it.
It's fine if I only find a little bit of light
Even if today's sun doesn't rise
"The falling rain will someday cease, won't it..."
Thank you, Gackt, for that little bit of wisdom.
And... it was nice to talk to him, to communicate in a way quicker than through letters or even e-mails. I hope we can keep that up. I'm going to stay in contact with him, no matter how hard it may be. I want to be able to say, in 20 years, that I still keep contact with some of the people I marched with my rookie year of drum corps. But more than that... I want a friend. But a little more than a friend. I don't know how to describe it.
In my mind... the perfect person I would share my life with could be happy with... everything. Someone who I could sleep beside but not necessarily sleep with. Someone I could just sit in silence with. Someone I could talk with for hours on end without shutting the fuck up. (That would be me talking about music.) Someone I could cry with, or to, or to cry on me, or whatever. Someone who would help me provide somewhere to start for my grounding because it's really hard to do on my own. Someone who I could be there for always, and who just might return that. Someone who could stand my Mana fangirling and my JRock obsessions. (Yes, I admit it: I am a Mana fangirl. He's prettier than any actual female I have ever seen.) Someone who would be understanding about my Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Someone who wouldn't tell me that I'll "grow out of" some of the things that make me who I am (AKA, yes, I have always thought the sound of kissing is disgusting, and yes, I will always think the sound of kissing is disgusting). Someone who won't get freaked out if I come home one day with a new piercing or tattoo. I'm not going to do these on a whim; every piercing I want or tattoo I will ever get will have a specific meaning to me.
Does such a person exist?
Thank you, Rachael and Terri and Chels and Calvin and... everyone. You've given me more reason to keep after what I'm trying to reach. I'm going for my goals. Well, most of them. I probably couldn't make it as an executive transvestite. I'll just leave that to Eddie Izzard.
I'm gaining hope.
Listening to some of my music and reading the lyrics (or translations) as I listen has brought me to a realisation. I listen to a lot of music that *sounds* happy and upbeat, but the lyrics are not. They've got somewhat "depressive" undertones. Or just somewhat "depressive" in general. I mean... damn, Gackt sure writes a lot of kind of sad love songs.
Talking to boy about... stuff... made me realise that maybe my situation is really better than I think it is.
But even with this kind of knowledge... I still know that I can't say anything anymore around "the group" or someone's going to think what I say is directed at them or I'm attacking them personally. It's been made obvious of that through various journal entries. So, to those people who take personal offence at things I say, here's something that *is* directed towards you: Fuck that shit. You can take offence at things I say, but they're my opinions and I am entitled to them. That's directed towards you and it could be a personal attack, if I was a bitch like that.
I'm not unhappy, but I'm not happy either. I'm just a shell. The emotional side of me is losing touch... but I don't mind. Maybe it's better that I'm becoming separate from my emotions. I did not have a headache since Tuesday until about a half hour ago. That's good, a whole day sans headache. Unfortunately it means that I'm losing bits and pieces of myself slowly. And that's bad. But I'll get over it. That's why I need someone to help me with grounding and the like. So I don't lose myself.
It's taken me an hour and a half to write this out, and it's not because I'm a slow typist.
I ramble, I know, but deal with it.
It's fine if I only find a little bit of light
Even if today's sun doesn't rise
"The falling rain will someday cease, won't it..."
Thank you, Gackt, for that little bit of wisdom.
posted by The Mastermind at 01:45
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