one of these days, there will be a witty title here. maybe.

2010-01-11T18:25:00.001-06:00

For all future postings, please direct yourself to http://airgonaut.wordpress.com/

Thanks!

2009-07-08T02:38:00.000-05:00

Things were looking up, and then today was not so good. Hmph.

2009-07-08T02:34:00.003-05:00

yesterday I got so old, I felt like I could die
yesterday I got so old it made me wanna cry
go on, go on, just walk away
go on, go on, your choice is made
go on, go on and disappear
go on, go on away from here
and I know I was wrong when I said it was true
that it couldn't be me and be her in between without you
yesterday I got so scared I shivered like a child
yesterday away from you it froze me deep inside
so come back, come back, don't walk away
come back, come back, come back today
come back, come back, why can't you see?
come back, come back, come back to me
and I know I was wrong when I said it was true
that it couldn't be me and be her in between without you
without you

2009-06-27T02:03:00.003-05:00

May I just say that I am getting quite frustrated with bloody financial aid at WT. I am lacking nothing to be able to accept my aid, yet 3 of the 4 items that were on my list as set for me before I could accept it are gone. And, let me just be honest, there is no chance at all that I do not qualify for a Pell grant again this year - I have every year since I began my upper-level education, and this year is no different.

I also still cannot register for classes. This is getting beyond frustrating.

I would like to finish my education, kthxdie.

2009-04-29T10:26:00.002-05:00

I appear to be getting work-study next year. This is good. I am also still getting all of the same aid as I have received this year, which is also good.

Kelli and I are looking for a house in Amarillo. If we have to, we will rent an apartment but we would both much rather a house - for a variety of reasons, mostly that it costs the same or less to rent a house than an apartment and it's more space, and also Kelli has a dog. Most of the apartments around Amarillo are not pet-friendly.

I have one more class today and I am through for the week. All that I have to do is pack my room, take my finals, and go back to Texarkana. I'm ready for it, this semester has been far too long.

A few points.

2009-04-18T18:52:00.003-05:00

1: I should update the colors of this blog. I am taking suggestions at this time.

2: I need to schedule to take the GRE. I am not entirely looking forward to it.

3: I need to get green-lighted to register for fall classes... like a week ago. Am going to have to pester Dr. Byrd until it gets done, I suspect.

4: I also need to talk to people in more graduate programs - though I'd like to stay close to family to finish school, if I do what I'm planning on as soon as I finish, it won't make a difference. Anyone know of any schools with really good master's programs in forensic science? (I'm already looking at UCO and Sam Houston State.)

5: I have two weeks left in this semester, and then finals. This is crazy.

6: I'm still unemployed in the Canyon/Amarillo area. I'd looked most of the semester, but I'm quitting right now as I'm only going to be out here for another two and a half weeks - and then I'll be gone until the middle or end of August. Nobody's going to hire and start training me under those circumstances.

7: Seven. :)

2009-01-14T23:00:00.002-06:00

So, that excessively large dent in the side of my car has been repaired. They did very good work; you can't even tell where they spliced the panel back together. (The back sides and top of the car are all one panel, or were until the repair.)

2008-12-09T20:03:00.002-06:00

My life sucks. That is all.

2008-10-04T21:01:00.002-05:00

I believe this means that Papa John's controls the universe, Herbert-style:

2008-08-12T12:41:00.001-05:00

A bit late, but congratulations to members of Phantom Regiment on your World Championship!

Additionally, congratulations to members of every other drum corps that made it to the top 12. I enjoyed the shows. :)

2008-07-13T01:29:00.002-05:00

It's funny. Admit it.

Disclaimer: Posting this image does not mean that I am totally against Barack Obama for President. I haven't decided which one is getting my vote in November. I'm still working on researching their opinions on the topics in which I am the most interested.

Update.

2008-07-04T00:02:00.002-05:00

Life is going. It's hard to say whether it's going poorly or well, as some days it seems to be both. I will be transferring in the fall to complete my bachelor's degree in psychology. In the meantime, I am working and getting everything ready for classes to start.

I don't know what else there is to say, really.

2008-06-13T14:50:00.002-05:00

Is everyone else out there okay? Found out this thing wasn't local, and now we're concerned about the rest of you.

We've been fighting them off all day, finally got a moment to ourselves. They've backed off, for the moment. Hopefully they won't be back. Have things been as insane for everyone else as they have for us?

We have a pretty good stock of food, water, and weaponry, so if this thing doesn't last too long then we'll be all right. If it spreads out into more than several days, we just might be screwed. Luckily, I'm on a second floor -- but it is in a house, and the first floor has a lot of windows. Hopefully we can keep them out so we can stay alive.

Has anyone figured out a way to get them down and keep them that way? Let me know if you have. We could use all the help we can get. Hopefully this is actually real and not a prank, or I'll have to hunt someone down. It doesn't seem like a prank, though, they smell like they've been dead.

Keeping our fingers crossed (well, while we're not fighting) that everyone else is keeping safe. Let me know, anyone who's out there. I'll be around.

2008-04-23T16:28:00.002-05:00

Third quarter will be finished in a month. (On Monday, it was a month to the day.) Tomorrow and Friday represent the end of unit 1509, or Nursing in Health and Illness II. I must make at least 90% on both the test tomorrow, which is Reproductive (the system and disorders), and the final on Friday, which is over: Fluid & Electrolytes; Surgery, Home Health, and Rehab; Cancer, Blood, Lymph, & Immunity; Skin & Sensory; Endocrine System; and Reproductive System. Next week we start the OB unit, which includes the following units: Antepartum; Intrapartum; Postpartum; Newborn; High Risk; and Complicated. It's a short class (I believe about 12 days).

I think that we will have two more weeks of clinical before the end of the quarter, since we will need the last full week and then the last 3 days to complete OB. I am not sure, though, but it looks like we would not be able to fit the entire 6 units of OB into 8 classroom days. It's just not enough time to cover everything. Or, perhaps it is enough time to cover everything, but it's not enough time for us to learn what we need to know.

Fourth quarter begins 28 May, since we cannot start on Memorial Day. I look forward to it, even though I know it will be difficult because it's summer for everyone else.

2008-02-15T14:35:00.000-06:00

Halfway through is just around the corner.

Also: Does anyone know why Microsoft Office 2007 takes so damn long to install?

2008-01-30T20:37:00.001-06:00

I will be halfway done with school in three weeks exactly.

My graduation date is somewhere around 8 August. I won't know exactly until the end of next month (it will be posted on the board when we start second half).

Next week I have my pharmacology final and injection check-off -- intramuscular, intradermal and subcutaneous injections. (IV check-off is in third quarter).

2008-01-13T13:27:00.000-06:00

Life has been insane -- I start classes again tomorrow; at that point I will have 27 days left in this quarter and first half. From what I have been told, it will only get better from there. Much more difficult, too, but better. I'm looking forward to it.

I'm fighting against what may be a cold or may just be allergies/irritants bothering me. I don't yet have any of the symptoms of a cold other than the drainage, which is why I'm not sure if it's actually a cold or not.

Our calendar kiosk is closed (thankfully), and I'm back to my usual 8-12 hours a week (or, if I get really lucky, 16). I'm glad that I started the LVN program in August and not February, because I don't think I could make it through the toughest quarter of the year along with the stress of the seasonal business.

Not ready to go back to school just yet, but at the same time I am. I want to get it over with, and the sooner we get started with that, the better.

2007-08-06T10:20:00.001-05:00

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up these defences, you build this whole suit of armour, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They do something dumb on day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own any more. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
-Neil Gaiman

2007-06-29T19:11:00.001-05:00

Oh, and by the way -- I am starting LVN school in August.

2007-06-13T22:28:00.001-05:00

I, for one, am thankful that this house has plenty of food -- and guns. We will likely need them if we plan to make it through the night.

It's sheer luck that I didn't work tonight -- sheer luck that's probably saved me. I should thank Michelle or Billie tomorrow, whichever one of them wrote out the schedule... if they survive.

As long as they don't make it to the house, we'll be all right. I hope.

I have a few friends who live in places where they've had things like this happen, but I haven't heard from them to know if they're still alive or how well they're holding up.

It's just over seven hours until daybreak. I hope I make it that long.

2007-06-04T10:07:00.000-05:00

Applications for LVN school are no longer being accepted. This means that they should get ready to send letters out soon. However, it is entirely possible that they won't send letters out until the end of this month -- five days before the Summer I session is over and my priority can be changed, since I will have finished pharmacology at that point.

Even though I may not even get a letter until after my classes are through, the pharmacology won't count for August. At all, I've been told. All it will do is change my priority for February -- which is later than I'm hoping to get in.

I hate the way things are run here, but at least I don't have to pay for any of it.

2007-05-17T16:13:00.000-05:00

I am probably going to be doctor-ed out by the end of next month. I had an appointment this morning, the usual checkup, everything's normal and cool.

I see a dermatologist 12 June. I'm really hoping that he can help me find a sunscreen I can wear on my face, and maybe he'll have suggestions for the redness and sun-spots I'm getting. I was terribly smart, though, and scheduled it at a time that I'm still in class this summer. Such a genius, right? I'll work around it, though... just leave class early.

And on 21 June, I see a neurologist about my migraines. I'm hoping that there will be good treatment for them, and that there's nothing seriously wrong that's causing the migraines.

I'll find out, and hopefully everything will be just fine. :)

2007-04-19T21:21:00.000-05:00

It probably shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't get depressed over stupid things.

Yet, here I am, in the very place I want to get away from so desperately.

I am not sure I can even put this into words to my friends, much less my family. I do not want to see a counselor I will hate. And, it seems at the same time, while my family might try to put me in therapy of some sort... no one will really care. Not that it matters, of course. It's just a silly little thing that I'll get over in a few days, or so. Maybe a month, at the longest.

Everything I feel is silly, inconsequential. All of my joys, mean nothing to anyone. My pain, immature. When I'm uncomfortable because it's getting into hot weather and I won't pull out my shorts until it's about 105F, that doesn't matter either. When I get pissed off over anything, I shouldn't be angry. When things work against me, I'm supposed to just deal with it and let the world run me down -- yet again.

Is this why you make posts that I cannot read in your journals? Because I am inconsequential? That's it, isn't it. Because I don't matter, then it doesn't matter if I can read the things you say. Whether or not they're about me. It's why you never call me, isn't it. Why I am always the one who must initiate contact.

I have no understanding of anyone else. Certainly, it's mostly my own fault. But surely, could it be, that you never tell me things? That I have to find out part of why you are who you are from something anyone on the goddamn Internet can read? Why are you comfortable telling everyone else your life's history but not someone you say is "one of [your] best friends", that you say "I love you" to?

How is it possible that people I've never met, or only recently met, care more about what I do than any of you do? How is it possible that these people I consider more of a family than you've ever been?

Why am I expected to put up with seeing someone who seriously hurt me twice a week and I can't be upset over it, yet if it were one of you and your mutual ex, you would be perfectly justified in being angry that he was there?

Oh, but forget it, really. Just more inconsequential ramblings. More silly feelings I have. More stupid thoughts. None of this matters.

It doesn't matter that I'm trying to reach a goal that will keep me in school for probably the next ten years and the rest of my life paying it off. It doesn't matter that even though I could have the certification for chemical dependence counseling in a year, I am choosing instead to go to nursing school. It doesn't matter that I want to work in a psychiatric hospital, where I will probably make next to nothing, instead of getting my Master's and starting my own practice, which would make me significantly more money.

It doesn't matter that I want to work in a place where most people hope they never have to set foot inside. I'm stupid for wanting to go into a job where I might struggle to make ends meet, that's what you're thinking. Isn't it. I should stick with one thing and do only that. I should choose between psychology and medical, and go with whichever one will make me the most money.

But what about what makes me happy? Oh, wait. I forgot. That's one of those silly, meaningless emotions I have. It doesn't matter if I do something that makes me happy or not, because whether I'm happy or not doesn't matter. I just have to always be happy.

Am I only your "friend" because it's convenient? Because you can get things out of me. Because you know that I'll spend more money on your birthday than you will on mine. Christmas, same concept. Because you know that I care more than you do. Than you ever will. Because I'm an easy target. Because you need someone to blame all the bullshit and drama on.

I cannot have any complaints. My parents have been married for thirty years, never divorced. They don't argue a lot, and they love me. We live in a big house, I dress well, we must have loads of money. I drive a nice car (finally). I have an iPod. I have my own computer. I have a mobile phone. I don't constantly fight with my siblings. I have a bed to sleep in every night, food in the house that I can eat if I get hungry. I have a job.

Never mind anything that has to do with that, except that that's what my life looks like. Never mind that home is where I hate myself the most.

Why can't you settle for me to just be human?

Is it because you all secretly hate me?

2007-04-09T13:46:00.000-05:00

Back on LVN school again.

The application dates for August are 1 April to 1 June, so I made perfect time in applying.

Even though I am Priority III right now, the way they look at the applicants is always Priority I and II first -- they pretty much get in, if the requirements are all met. And they look at Priority III by application date. The academic counselor told me that they haven't done very many interviews yet, so since I applied early, I have a good chance of being accepted.

Additionally, since I am taking Pharmacology and Anatomy & Physiology this summer, once I am in the classes in the first summer session (which will get Pharmacology and the first half of A&P) I can go to the counselors office to change my priority from III to II.

He advised that once I finish LVN school I should go on and do the transition course and go to RN school because I have a lot of ability -- given my grade-point average and ACT scores. This is something I'd been thinking about anyways, since I believe for psychiatric nursing you must be RN.

2007-04-08T20:48:00.000-05:00

So, basically, I am either going to LVN school starting in August or starting in February. I really hope for August.

The only thing is, right now, I'm Priority III for acceptance because I have not yet taken Anatomy & Physiology or Pharmacology. However, I can take those classes in the summer sessions, so if I am able to apply for August I can take the necessary classes to be accepted.

I'm going to talk to the academic counselor tomorrow to find out everything else I'd need to know, and if it is too late or not for August.

I need some extra luck, for the visit tomorrow.

2007-03-27T00:29:00.000-05:00

I quit.

2007-03-20T16:17:00.000-05:00

I am SO going to DCI...

Something completely unexpected, but it's worked out. ^__^

2007-03-17T22:27:00.001-05:00

Quick! Rook or daith?

2007-01-08T23:51:00.000-06:00

Hiatus ended.

In the time since the hiatus, I have still not been hired at the plasma center, though I now have information on that (the DE ratio will be too high already since people apparently don't donate as often during income tax returns). I am, unfortunately, out of a regular job in three weeks. I need to tell my manager that I am willing to stay on for emergency call but not be regularly scheduled -- that is, if someone calls in sick, they can call me and if I'm not working or in school I can come work that shift.

I have registered for classes for the spring half; I am only taking two: Intro to Alcohol & Other Drug Addictions, and General Chemistry II.

2006-12-27T00:56:00.000-06:00

We have made the executive decision that this blog will be on hiatus for a while.

Recent updates to the writer's life include receiving grades from the past semesters (all A's except one), continued work at that bookstore, and an application in to the local plasma center.

Updates will resume within one month's time.

Stay tuned.

And, in the meantime, check out this video.

Curious-er and curious-er.

2006-11-14T11:16:00.000-06:00

Okay, so you know Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon?

I can connect myself to him in five. (So can anyone else who has something to do with Lee Rudnicki.)

It's like this:
I marched in the Renegades with Lee Rudnicki.
Lee was one of the producers of Death Ride (or Haunted Highway); one of the actresses in the film was Laura Putney.
Laura Putney was in an episode of ER in 1994 with Noah Wyle.
Noah Wyle was in 'A Few Good Men' with Kevin Bacon.

But that's not the real content of this. Just a bit of amusement.

As some of you may know, I am working as a bookseller at Waldenbooks (and the Day By Day Calendar seasonal business that Borders runs).

After Christmas, I will be putting an application in at DCI Biologicals, the plasma centre. Should I get hired there, I will be working full-time. This means that I will be taking only one or maybe two classes. It also means that I am done with drum corps -- there is no possible way that I could take an entire summer off.

So, there's a lot of thinking involved with this.

2006-10-31T11:17:00.000-06:00

I don't know what to do.

2006-10-19T15:30:00.000-05:00

It's been a whole two months since I've written anything here. I should probably give some kind of update on what's been happening.

Some of you know that I had a job as a waitress at this Mexican restaurant in the mall here. Well, that's over. My last day to work was 1 October. I now have a job at Waldenbooks, but it doesn't begin until 1 November. I will be selling calendars out of the kiosk they set up in the mall every year.

I was going to join the Navy in one year's time, but since they apparently won't pay for me to get my Master's in counseling, I'm just going to be waiting until I have that degree.

I am getting a newer car than the one I currently drive. It's a 1998 Toyota, and although it has about 30,000 more miles than my current car does -- it's a Toyota. It's a better car.

I have a new haircut, but unfortunately have still not been able to get pictures of it and put them anywhere. (Actually, by now, it's almost a month old. But still new.)

Banquet is Sunday, and I'm excited about it. I can't wait to see all of the Renegades again.

But even amidst all this goodness that's happening, I'm still frustrated. It's not things I can discuss right now, or maybe even ever -- at least, in this journal.

2006-08-19T02:35:00.000-05:00

We got motherf**king snakes!

(Special thanks go to Lee Rudnicki and Samuel L. Jackson for saying that 'Pacific Flight 12-whatever' was a crap name for a film.)

2006-08-16T11:00:00.000-05:00

As I am beginning to write this, it is a few minutes past half-ten on this sunny Wednesday morning, I am smelling fresh-cut grass because someone is outside mowing the grass near the flat, and I am once again telling myself that I should really be packing instead of sitting in front of the computer.

And it seems to strike me that I will be leaving this flat forever in only five days. Never to return and all of that stuff. I will be leaving this state of California, to return in October for the Renegades banquet, and not again until possibly the Drum Corps International World Championships, in Pasadena. That's almost a year from the next time I will be out here.

And something else strikes me -- will I be at DCI next year in the stands, or will I be there on the field? The winter season of drum corps is coming up before I know it, with auditions starting sometime around Thanksgiving. That's really only three months from now, and I have yet to formulate a Master Plan™ of what I am going to do.

And I have a double dilemma.

Since I have been in the Renegades pit this year, I have not played a horn at all since last Thanksgiving, when I went to audition for Phantom Regiment and barely missed the cut. However, I have only been playing in a pit since January, when I joined the Renegades for the second year in a row.

In theory, I could pick up the mellophone again the minute I get back home and practise daily for as many hours as I possibly can in between school and work and hopefully not miss a cut somewhere, and march again next year. However, I would probably need lessons to get me back up to par and to help me maintain a level of goodness that will improve my chances, and I don't know who where I live teaches lessons. Also, my legs are falling apart from the hips down -- bad knees, bad ankles, random things like that -- so marching is probably not the very best idea for me. After all, I will need my legs for the rest of my life.

The other theory is that I could start taking keyboard lessons the minute I return home and practise as much as possible between school and work and go audition for some corps' pit and hope I make it. I could even do auxillary stuff, and I will learn whatever they want to teach me. However, the only person where I live who teaches keyboard lessons is the percussion director where I went to high school, and he is unavailable until next February or so because he's teaching marching band. My other option for keyboard lessons is to drive all the way to Dallas, which is about a three hour drive without bad traffic, to take lessons from someone there -- because Dallas is a big area, and there is bound to be at least one person willing to teach a Romanian chick how to play marimba and/or vibraphone.

The other dilemma is that I am not sure where it would be best for me to go. I could always join the Bluecoats, because they have winter camps in the Austin area and I could drive that, though it's a good six hours. I could go back to Phantom Regiment and try again, and hope I make the cut this time. I could come back out to California for Santa Clara Vanguard. I could go back up north, and go for Blue Stars again. I could stay closer to home and go try out for one of those corps in one of those Southern states that's closer to where I am.

So I need to decide A) where I'm going to be going in November, and B) what I'm going to be playing in November. I probably should have that decision made by... oh, two weeks ago, probably.

But now, it is 1100. I'm going to go start packing, or at least start thinking about packing again, and I might go buy some bread.

2006-08-15T17:28:00.000-05:00

Photo evidence, Romanian chick run amok at DCI:

2006-08-10T23:15:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking that I am going to take it upon myself to make smart remarks about people's carrying on about whether or not the Cavaliers "should" have scored highest tonight.

Over at DCP, there's this topic called 'Live from the Pressbox' that was scores as they were being announced and other random discussions, started by the Renegades' own Chris Nalls. I don't really know, as I was linked into it at about page 41. And as I have become a lazy bastard for the evening, I did not read back. In any case, who REALLY wants to read 40 pages of crap when the amusing stuff starts at page 40?

So anyways. At this about page 40 mark, the Cavaliers' score was announced.

I got bored of reading arguments over whether or not they should have 'won' tonight or whatever it was they were arguing over. So, instead, I started counting the number of times their score was mentioned, not counting quotes. The number was 13, counting the time I mentioned their score later in my post.

So, yeah. We all know their score is 96.9. Whoo.

Whatever.

I should say now that I enjoy their show. It is one of my favourites of the season. I'm happy they're still slated in first place.

Granted, I am biased towards them for two major reasons. One of them is that a show of theirs was the show that made me decide that I wanted to march.

But, really.

I don't care.

I love the Cavaliers. I am a not-quite-rabid fan of theirs.

But regardless of what I am in concerns to the Cavaliers...

I'll always be the goth Romanian chick from the Renegades.

Seven!

2006-08-09T23:55:00.000-05:00

Snakes on a Plane!

And this guy's blog. He is apparently a Hollywood screenwriter or something, who apparently worked on the movie I mentioned at the onset of this post. There's a post from last July about said movie, which I read. And was amused by.

2006-08-09T21:00:00.000-05:00

All I have ever wanted to know is that I am loved.

2006-08-07T14:41:00.000-05:00

Here's to the gods and their seats on high
Nobody knows anything
Here's to the flags in their guilty sky
Nobody says anything

This aside, this coast is clear
It doesn't help, it doesn't help me

Who am I? Only
One more life that you can owe me
It's civilised, it's civilised, it's civil sin
Who am I? Only
One more lie so you can own me
It's civilised, it's civilised, it's civil sin

Here's to the crown in their Sunday best
Nobody knows anything
Here's to the crowd, slaves who never rest
Nobody says anything

And this aside, this coast is clear
Until one man buys the whole show
And this aside, my mind is clear
It doesn't help, it doesn't help me

Who am I? Only
One more life that you can owe me
It's civilised, it's civilised, it's civil sin
Who am I? Only
One more lie so you can own me
It's civilised, it's civilised, it's civil sin

Who am I? Only
One more life that you can owe me
It's civilised, it's civilised, it's civil sin
Who am I? Only
One more lie so you can own me
It's civilised, it's civilised, it's civil sin

2006-08-03T01:00:00.000-05:00

Earlier this evening, I sat through this earthquake.

My first thought was not, Is this an earthquake? but more along the lines of, Did someone drop a chest-of-drawers in the flat upstairs?

Is that ridiculous?

2006-07-24T19:43:00.000-05:00

Submit your vote.

A) Santa Clara Vanguard.
B) Phantom Regiment.
C) Bluecoats.

2006-07-14T13:40:00.000-05:00

T minus five days.

2006-06-21T20:00:00.000-05:00

Well, this is interesting.

On a forum I frequent (and tend to lurk around) someone posted a topic regarding hearing, e.g. pitches that one can or cannot hear. The subject of this discussion had to do with a mobile phone ringtone or something that is supposedly at a high enough frequency that adults cannot hear it but teenagers can.

Someone posted a link to this series of tones ranging from 10KHz to 25KHz and mentioned that it could be useful in finding one's upper limit.

I found mine at 14K. I'm not really sure what this means, except that I can't hear high-pitched tones.

What's yours?

2006-06-20T23:31:00.000-05:00

The strangest thing happened this weekend within ten minutes of the Renegades going on the field for our first performance. We (the pit) were taking keyboards and other equipment with wheels down to get onto the field when the time came, but gravity had a different idea. Seeing as we had to take a strange down then slightly up then down again kind of path to get to the field, it was the perfect chance for something unfortunate to occur.

Given the circumstances, I should have probably not moved to a place that was in any way in front of the xylophone. Little did I know at the time that when equipped with crotales, a cymbal, and one of the [infamous?] Dresden toms that xylophones run amok. This lack of knowledge proved to be my downfall. No, literally.

On an amusing note, though, I counted seven bruises from the fall. Only two of them have any associated pain, and even that is not severe enough to cause massive (or tiny) issues. And out of all the things one can get run over by, it had to be a xylophone run amok. While it was definitely not funny at the time of the incident, by the time we had gotten back to the equipment trailer from the field, I was amused.

2006-06-10T01:28:00.000-05:00

I think I'm crazy. I doubt most of my credits will transfer when I do, and I'm afraid I'll have to re-take courses I hated in the first place. *sigh*

Probably, then, when I go in July to early-register for classes I will have to talk to one of the course-counsellors and find out what will transfer so I don't end up taking a bazillion classes that won't get me credit when I move out of that city.

Oh, this is frustrating.

2006-06-09T01:03:00.000-05:00

http://www.orlyowl.com/

An Erisian Prayer

2006-05-16T14:28:00.000-05:00

From the Apocrypha Discordia

Lady, protect my enemies. Let them remain strong enough to continue blocking my path whenever I might otherwise run into danger. Let them know they have helped me almost as much as my friends.

Lady, protect my enemies, locked down inside their closed minds with the shades drawn tight and the doors barricaded against fresh thought, which might *poof* them like sunlight on the vampires they're becoming.

Thanks you for their sensitive knee-jerk reactions. I enjoy making them dance when I'm bored. Don't let me gloat when I scare them so easily. If I were small and grey and cold, I'd get scared too. You might let them know how pathetic they look in their pointy-headed-bigot caps, hatred congealed on their faces like drool.

Should they ever become brave enough to abandon their brain's musty attics, and come out to play in the sunshine, please make me big enough not to hold a grudge.

Amen.

2006-05-14T23:58:00.000-05:00

Guns don't kill people; people kill people. And monkeys do too [if they've got a gun].

2006-05-14T21:59:00.000-05:00

I lately find that things work despite the circumstances.

2006-05-13T23:06:00.000-05:00

This rant was written because a nice girl finally snapped.

I've read the tribute to the nice guys; this is my response.

This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date, who don't want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe... maybe this time he'll have understood.

This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds." This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.

This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it's an experience that they don't want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they'd rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn't care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they're too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.

This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over her, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.

This is for the "I really like you, so let's still be friends" comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you've received from your female friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don't think that they deserve more, because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.

This is what I don't understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don't appreciate them and don't want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call... and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the "stalker chick" you'd met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth?

And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this "nice girl" who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you're not looking for a nice girl. You're not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you're looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.

So don't say you're on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won't answer your catcalls, sometimes you're looking at a nice girl in whore's clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we're all thinking the same thing: "This isn't me. Tomorrow morning, I'll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I'll have slept alone and I'll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me." You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don't want the nice girl.. so don't say you're looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend - - but in return, we're looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express.

Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they're running they're chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets... the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congradulatory hug (and yes, if she's a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won't matter), hoping against hope that maybe you'll realize that they're the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.

So maybe it won't last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we're waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what's a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?)

By Jessica Leigh Griffith

2006-05-13T22:58:00.000-05:00

It's not so pleasant. And it's not so conventional
it sure as hell ain't normal, But we deal, we deal.

2006-05-02T23:39:00.000-05:00

Mikhail sounds nice, doesn't it?

2006-04-23T22:19:00.000-05:00

[shameless plug]

LMS7. Be there, or death!

http://www.renegades.org/loudmusic/

*has no idea what else to say*

http://www.renegades.org/loudmusic/

[/shameles plug]

2006-04-23T22:07:00.000-05:00

Snakes on a plane.

2006-04-19T23:34:00.000-05:00

Today, it was 12 degrees cooler than it was yesterday. Which means it was slightly less hot than Hell.

But it is still way too bloody hot. I don't want to go to work since I have to wear pants and a long-sleeved shirt.

2006-04-14T15:46:00.000-05:00

It is bloody hot here.

2006-03-17T01:09:00.000-06:00

This letter is long overdue but it is difficult to find time to write when the only free time you have is the time you should be sleeping.

Therefore, off to bed with me.

2006-03-10T09:43:00.000-06:00

Well, it looks like I won't be making it to Renegades rehearsal this weekend.

Sorry, guys.

2006-03-10T01:32:00.000-06:00

I quit.

I'm just not going to talk anymore, and then you can't get pissed off at me because I'm bothered that I made a whole, say, $8 at work tonight. Sorry, I depend on that money to buy fuel for my car.

2006-03-08T23:12:00.000-06:00

It doesn't seem likely that there is or ever will be anyone in this world to whom I matter enough to make a difference.

2006-02-25T00:34:00.000-06:00

Ladies and gentlemen...

Due to budget cuts, light at end of tunnel will be out.

Thank you,
Management

2006-02-20T23:13:00.000-06:00

Work has been going fairly well... I get paid tomorrow, thankfully. It means I'll be able to actually fill my car next time I need to go put fuel in. (After I drive around with the pointer on the "E" for three or so days, I'm sure.)

In other news...

Question: Why?

If you have an answer, please leave it here.

2006-02-18T00:58:00.000-06:00

The I.V. and your hospital bed
This was no accident
This was a therapeutic chain of events

This is the scent of dead skin on a linoleum floor
This is the scent of quarantine wings in a hospital
And it's not so pleasant. And it's not so conventional
it sure as hell ain't normal, But we deal, we deal

The anesthetic never set in and I'm wondering where
The apathy and urgency is that I thought I phoned in
No it's not so pleasant. And it's not so conventional
it sure as hell ain't normal, But we deal, we deal

Just sit back, just sit back, just sit back and relax
Just sit back, just sit back, just sit back and relapse again

You can take the kid from the fight but you can't take the fight from the kid
Sit back, relax, sit back, relapse again
You can take the kid from the fight but you can't take the fight from the kid
Just sit back, just sit back

You're a regular decorated emergency
You're a regular decorated emergency

This is the scent of dead skin on a linoleum floor
This is the scent of quarantine wings in a hospital
And it's not so pleasant. And it's not so conventional
it sure as hell ain't normal, But we deal, we deal

The anesthetic never set in and I'm wondering where
The apathy and urgency is that I thought I phoned in
No it's not so pleasant. And it's not so conventional
it sure as hell ain't normal, But we deal, we deal

You can take the kid from the fight but you can't take the fight from the kid
Sit back, relax, sit back, relapse again
You can take the kid from the fight but you can't take the fight from the kid
Just sit back, just sit back

Sit back, sit back, relax, relapse
Sit back, sit back, bababada
You can take the kid out of the fight

You're a regular decorated emergency
The bruises and contusions will remind me what you did when you wake
You've earned a place atop the ICU's hall of fame
The camera caught you causing a commotion on the gurney again

You're a regular decorated emergency
The bruises and contusions will remind me what you did when you wake
You've earned a place atop the ICU's hall of fame
The camera caught you causing a commotion on the gurney again

You can take the kid from the fight but you can't take the fight from the kid
Sit back, relax, sit back, relapse again
You can take the kid from the fight but you can't take the fight from the kid
Just sit back, just sit back

Sit back, sit back, relax, relapse
Sit back, sit back, bababada
You can take the kid out of the fight

The I.V. and your hospital bed
This was no accident
This was a therapeutic chain of events

2006-02-12T22:50:00.000-06:00

I hate being sick, especially when I have school or work.

However, I do want to be educated and I have to have a way to get there and back.

2006-02-10T12:30:00.000-06:00

I cannae stand this tea I am drinking, but it is supposed to help my throat. It's that bad.

However, I have to drink it... because if I can't talk tonight I can't do anything to get tables and I'll have to write "Sorry I couldn't talk" on the tickets like Kyle had to yesterday. He could do a spot-on Emporer Palpatine, though. It was damn amusing.

So, I'm either going to work in 25 minutes or an hour and 25 minutes. Catherine is going to call me before long so we can figure things out.

In other news... by the end of tomorrow I will have worked more than 30 hours this week. Ridiculous. I work tomorrow and Sunday... and maybe I got lucky enough to have Monday off. I still have to talk to Ms. Gladden about the Monday night class -- but I do believe that Catherine and I are on the same schedule and maybe will stay on the same schedule.

2006-02-06T22:29:00.000-06:00

In other news, Joseph Stalin won the Super Bowl.

Yes, I am referring the leader of the Soviet Union and General Secretaty of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union. Yes, the one who died in 1953.

2006-02-02T22:43:00.000-06:00

So tired... and sore.

I'm off to study, and finish packing, and maybe get a wee bit of sleep.

2006-01-30T16:05:00.000-06:00

I am not sure I can stand another day of the men working on the roof.

Thankfully, I'm not going to be home for most of the time they're here for the rest of this week.

2006-01-28T22:43:00.000-06:00

31 sexy poses.

4 people walked out.

If you add those two numbers together and divide by 5...

You get 7.

2006-01-23T21:50:00.000-06:00

I must be crazy.

Right now, I am working towards my B.S. - Psychology. I am also working to an Associate Degree in Drug and Alcohol Abuse Counseling. I will be finished with the DAAC next May, and then I will have to transfer to finish my psychology degree.

I will also be working towards my LCPC in this time, and after I've finished my psychology degree, I may join the Navy.

I will be taking at least 19 semester credit-hours each semester next year. If I can get into the Monday night class for the DAAC, I will be taking 20 this semester.

I am currently searching for employment. If I start working, I'll be in classes 23 hours a week, plus 15 more for homework/study time, plus 15-25 hours of work each week. And there's the Renegades camps I've got to attend, and time to work on the music for that... I'm wondering when I'll sleep.

2006-01-18T17:15:00.000-06:00

My statements concerning the Renegades camp last weekend at Leigh High School, the start of classes yesterday and today, and another thing just for fun:

1. I play bells.

2. I hate math.

3. Everybody should listen to Raffi. (Yes, the Egyptian Canadian hippie guy who sings songs for children.)

2006-01-12T11:24:00.000-06:00

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

2006-01-11T00:02:00.000-06:00

Dear Buddha, Please bring me a pony and a little plastic rocket...

2006-01-08T22:35:00.000-06:00

You might know me as that Romanian goth chick from Lee Rudnicki's Blog 7.

Then again, you might not.

2006-01-06T22:19:00.000-06:00

I've handled about as much as I can handle, thanks very much.

I have tried more than long enough to please all those related to me, and it is far too difficult to continue in this. I want to have my own life. I want to choose where I work. I want to have more freedoms of myself than I have now. I want to be able to do things without worrying that someone is looking over my shoulder waiting to criticise me the second I start doing anything even slightly wrong. I want to know that my efforts are appreciated, not to be criticised for not doing well enough. I want to go where I want to go when I want to go there, given that I am free of other responsibilities such as school or work, and not have to report in every five minutes -- unless I have made the conscious decision to let a Master run my life.

But, mostly, I want to not be the Indistinguishable Backup Friend anymore.

Death?

2006-01-04T21:48:00.000-06:00

I could have sworn I was going to die tonight. There is no excuse for speeding ridiculously, especially the kind that is "twice the speed limit" speeding. O_O Not only am I never, ever going to get in a vehicle with that kid driving, but I have told my sister to never get in the car with him until he stops driving like a fucking maniac. (Well, I said "idiot" but still... ) I even fear for myself driving if he's going to be on the road. So he "didn't want to be late getting home". Well, he should have left earlier to get there. Is that a concept that's terribly difficult to grasp? Is it? There is no excuse for driving 60+ mph when the speed limit is 35 mph and driving 80+ mph when the speed limit is 40 mph. I'm seriously considering getting his license plate number and finding a patrol officer to tip him off that the kid is driving like a maniac and is a danger not only to himself but to everyone else on the road.

2006-01-02T23:36:00.000-06:00

Well, that would definitely explain it.

Looking back on 2005 . . .

2006-01-01T22:36:00.000-06:00

Ladies and gentlemen, it is 2006.

Wait a second. A whole year has passed while I wasn't paying attention? How could they let that happen?! *mock offense* Anyways. (Yes, this is the same format as the one I did last year around this time, but it worked well.)

In 2005, did I do anything worth remembering?

January
At the first Crossmen camp this month, I was the only female on lead anything in the hornline. It was fucking brilliant. I was told that they had me down as alternate for lead because I'd missed the December camp and hadn't been able to get music until the day before I flew out for that camp. So, I go home and we're happy about that, because the way he told me sounded like I had a spot, and if I came back next time and played my music memorised and stuff, I'd be on lead. Not quite. Second Crossmen camp this month... kind of sucks. I am told that they have me down as one of three alternates, but it isn't worth my time to keep coming back to camps. So I go home, upset.

February
I talk to the Renegades, and get so I'll be going to their second camp this month -- I have a Boy Scout event the first one. So I go to get my driving license renewed in what should have been plenty of time for me to get the new one in the mail (I think I went two and a half weeks ahead of time) before I flew out for Renegades. Well, my license comes in the mail the Saturday I'm in California. The next day is my birthday, and they had a cake for me (I think I almost cried). Then I had issues getting home the next day, namely because my fucking driving license had expired like 6 hours before I went to the airport. What luck, eh?

March
More Renegades! And classes. And this starts my almost-six months of every weekend but one being filled by some activity. There's Renegades camp, and some Boy Scout functions this month. I got my first tattoo this month, the star on my forearm. This is also the month I smoked my first [ever] not-clove cigarette. I think this was the month that what's-his-name said he had a crush on me. I visited my older sister in Oklahoma City on Easter weekend, to take her car back to her. We went to Tai Pei the night I got in... which was all good fun. Also, the weekend I met Keegan -- and that was an awkward meeting.

April
Renegades every weekend except one! Because I went to LMS. And met the Phenomenauts and it didn't even occur to me that they're famous until I was talking about it later and my little sister was in the car as well and said that she was jealous because I'd met them. Oh, yes. Calvin took me to the Rocky Horror midnight showing near where he lives. Heh heh. *grin*

May
Finals for my classes this month. VNV Nation in concert this month. More Renegades this month. There's a lot less to describe in detail for this month. The VNV Nation concert was awesome, though -- Ronan Harris is a funny man. And nice. So were those guys that Catherine and I met and stayed around for most of the concert, Jawdat and Casey (who almost hadn't been able to get in because he wasn't 17 yet) and Francisco. They were really nice, and we took them to IHOP so they could get home and not have to stay in the ghetto all night... and they forced gas money on us, even though we were insistent that they keep that money.

June
I moved out to Sacramento for the summer at the beginning of this month. The first sectional weekend had Lani and I driving like bats out of Hell to get there -- but we missed it anyways. This was the weekend I discovered our similar love of JRock and anime. Good stuff. :) Also, this is the month that what's-his-name calls me and says something about "rumours going 'round" and "we should just be friends". Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay, so I have to admit that I knew he was going to call me to say something like that. My thought at his exact words was, "Why don't you just admit that you'd rather chase someone older than you? I'd appreciate the honesty more than this." But, I don't know. I became Kelli's long lost twin found wandering the streets of Romania and brought to California specifically to march Renegades, and I didn't know any English. (See how well I've learned since then?) Also, I fell over the 30-yard-marker at BD Family Day. Or was it Precision West? They were at the same place, so it was the same yard-marker either way. Also, San Francisco Gay Pride Parade! I was in it, and I bought a rainbow boa for Michelle.

July
Let's see... there was the weekend that never ended, then the weekend off when Mike took me out to dance, and that was definitely an experience. A good one, mind you -- a good one. Also, we dyed my hair "Sid Vicious" red. The actual colour is called "Nuclear Red", but it's also been described as "violently red"... I liked it. The next weekend was my hair's debut as well as the debut of our cloaks for Ave Maria and The Ascension. And then, later the month, the trip to North Carolina where it rained on us, and coming back the TSA man was mean to me because I was trying to ask where the end of the line was -- but he didn't let me get that far. I think all I said was "Is this the--" and he interrupted me with "Don't cut in line. Go to the end of the line." Um, wtf mate? I was trying to find out -where- the end of the line is.

August
I came home from California. Then my father and I went to Rhode Island for DCI World Championships. Prior to leaving, I printed out driving directions from where we would be staying at DCI to where The Cavaliers were rehearsing -- I wanted to see Bojan. So, on Friday before semifinals, we went out there to visit, and got there just as they were breaking for lunch. So I had an hour to visit with him, during which my father graciously left and went to a fast-food restaurant he'd seen on the way in. That had to have been one of the best visits with someone I've had, ever. I can't come up with any exceptions. He gave me a pair of sticks so I'd have something to practise with as I learn to drum, and he told me he'd liked both the CDs I made for him. Then, later, we left to go eat before semifinals, and we had some pretty rockin' seats (3rd row, side 2, 45-yardline). After the show, I went to go find Bojan again because I figured there would be No Way In Hell I'd see him again, so I wanted to say good-bye... And that ended up being a lot longer than I meant for it to be (and it got my father unnerved for a while but that fixed itself later). But I have since come to the conclusion that that was one of the best hugs I've ever had. And, still, I didn't tell him how much I love him.

September
DCA championships! And Crunchy Frog's final show, in which I played Wacky Dead Sarah, the hot Romanian chick. Or something like that. I can't be sure. It was also the weekend of a sit-outside chat until 3 AM during which I was asked along with one of the tenor players if we were "together" -- assumed because of how we looked at each other... I don't quite understand that, but whatever. I can't necessarily say I would have objected to us actually being "together", but what with age differences causing a huge social stigma, I wouldn't want to put something like that on him. He's far too nice a guy to be accused of being a "pedophile" or "child molester" or "robbing the cradle".

October
This is Halloween! And banquet month! That was nice. It was so good to see all the Renegades again, and also to see Trevor, who I hadn't seen since January when I got cut from Crossmen. Lee took a lot of pictures of me with his camera phone and mentioned something about how I should become a model for some Goth clothing company. *snerk* (I'm too short to do so.) On Halloween, I was Catherine, and we went trick-or-treating. And I had a couple of pictures taken with me as Catherine, and me and Catherine... but I haven't gotten the ones of the camera I had developed yet.

November
Let's see... I did my psychology observations, I had Thanksgiving and my older sister had to drive my car back to Oklahoma City because hers had to be repaired. And there was Phantom Regiment auditions, from which I was cut by two damn points. But, obviously, I've survived.

December
Finals! Christmas! "King Kong" midnight showing, at which I had to comment that "it would be awesome if they paired it up with Rocky Horror Picture Show". Two trips to Shreveport, LA, the first of which got me my awesome brocade coat. There's not a lot to say about this month, either.

So... did I do anything memorable in 2005?

You tell me.

2005-12-31T17:33:00.000-06:00

And now it's time for my head to start exploding.

The new year is tomorrow! OH MY GOD. How the HELL could they let that happen while I wasn't looking?!

Heh. No, really. I've got a lot of stress right now... and I'm hoping that an evening with friends and movies can help alleviate some of it.

So, here's to tomorrow.

2005-12-24T00:08:00.000-06:00

In your room
Where time stands still
Or moves at your will
Will you let the morning come soon
Or will you leave me lying here
In your favourite darkness
Your favourite half-light
Your favourite consciousness
Your favourite slave

In your room
Where souls disappear
Only you exist here
Will you lead me to your armchair
Or leave me lying here
Your favourite innocence
Your favourite prize
Your favourite smile
Your favourite slave

I’m hanging on your words
Living on your breath
Feeling with your skin
Will I always be here

In your room
Your burning eyes
Cause flames to arise
Will you let the fire die down soon
Or will I always be here
Your favourite passion
Your favourite game
Your favourite mirror
Your favourite slave

I’m hanging on your words
Living on your breath
Feeling with your skin
Will I always be here

Random things.

2005-12-22T23:04:00.000-06:00

I'm afraid of the quiet: Nope.

I have cut myself: While shaving...

I'm afraid of the dark: No.

I'm afraid of facing my back to open doors at night: Sometimes, but usually if I do there ends up being a reason I should be afraid to face my back to an open door.

I've run away from home: No.

I collect comic books: No.

I shut others out when I'm sad: Typically, yes.

I communicate with others easily: Oh, hell no.

I watch the news: I listen to NPR instead, and sometimes read the paper.

I own over 5 rap CDs: Actually, I own none.

I own something from Hot Topic: Yeah. Three fishnet shirts, and a CD, and nail polish, and a Nightmare Before Christmas bag (which is currently loaned out to Catherine), and... Probably other things too, I just can't think of them.

I love Disney movies: Sometimes. I like Mulan.

I am a sucker for eyes: It depends.

I kill bugs: Sometimes.

I curse regularly: I'm trying to quit.

I have an "x" in my screen name: In one of them, yes -- but it's part of a word.

I've slipped out a "lol" in a real conversation: No. I do say "zomg!" though.

I like Spam: Or not. Definitely not.

I bake well: Yeah.

I have worn pajamas to class: Yep.

I have a job: Not yet.

I love Martha Stewart: HELL No.

I am in love with someone/like someone: There is a man I know who I love more deeply than nearly anyone else in this world.

I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS: NO. Well, only to make fun of people who "tYpE lYk DiS!!!1!!!!ONE!!!ONEONE!!!1!ELEVEN!!"

I like to laugh: Sure, why not. Crying is pretty good, too.

I have tried alcohol: Yeah, what's your point?

I have tried a cigarette: Yes. And another, and another, and... Yeah. I smoke.

I have cough drops when I'm not sick: Nope. The only medicine I ever have is naproxen because I have to take it daily for my knee. And I'm allergic to ibuprofen.

I have smoked weed: No, never.

Swallowing pills make you gag: No.

I have many emotional scars: I have ones I'll tell you about, and ones I'll only tell the man I love about.

I have many physical scars: Some.

I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room!: I hate it if there is any creepy-crawlie thing in the room, but I can handle it. I'm a Boy Scout, after all. I've slept in a tent several times.

I am really ticklish: Only in a couple of places, and no, I won't tell you where they are.

I love chocolate: It depends on what kind of chocolate.

I bite my nails: I pick at them more, but I do bite my fingertips.

I am comfortable with being me: Every now and then.

Seen a shooting star: Yes.

Laughed and had some type of beverage come out of your nose: No. Although, I have choked and had beverage come out my nose while coughing.

Swore at your parents: No.

Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour: No.

Drank a half a gallon of milk in under a minute: No.

Bitten someone: Yes. They deserved it.

Gotten the chicken pox: Twice, both times before I was six.

Crashed into a car: No. I have crashed into a chain link fence, though. (What? I had never driven before and I have nearly no depth perception, and I was being distracted.)

Ridden in a taxi: Yes.

Had feelings for someone who didn't like you back: I might now, but if he does return those feelings, then I don't.

Had a crush on a teacher/coach: Uh, no.

Been On A Plane: Not at all! I only have 47,000 frequent flying miles collected between the end of January and the end of November. (Siriusly, though? YES. I fly a lot.)

Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show: I own it, bitches!

Thrown up in a bar?: No.

Eaten Sushi: Yes! I love it!

Walked purposefully into traffic with your eyes closed: No. I don't have a death wish.

I tried to kill myself: Well, if you mean "going through airport security and getting on an aeroplane to fly somewhere", then yes. If not, then No.

2005-12-22T19:50:00.000-06:00

I cannae wait for things to change.

2005-12-20T21:57:00.000-06:00

Gravity is a damn strange thing.

Secrets

2005-12-19T22:30:00.000-06:00

We've all got them.

Sometimes they're good. Sometimes they're horrific. Sometimes, they aren't anything but secrets.

I have several. I'm not going to share all of them... but I will share some.

1. I fear, above all else, being completely forgotten for the rest of my life. Nobody knows this until now, and it may not make sense because I prefer solitude to company. However, every now and again -- more during the times of year when there isn't anything occupying my time that was filled with school, work, or marching -- I like being able to talk to someone, or even just to listen to someone.

2. I still--still--cannot be friends with someone who I thought I might be able to. I can't even talk to them. It is still too painful.

3. I don't really want anything for Christmas but a steady source of income. A part-time job.

4. Although I am damn sick and tired of being Indistinguishable Backup Friend, I settle for it. At least I have something.

5. Lately, I've found myself wishing I had been born male like the doctors had told my parents I would be. Maybe I'd have a little more freedom that way.

6. I am somewhat afraid to tell him I love him... because he may think I mean it in a different way than I do, or something may happen that renders us on less than speaking terms... or something.

7. I am bitterly jealous of those who have "best friends", for they have someone to rely on. I only have myself.

What are your secrets? Comment anonymously if you don't want people to know they're yours, but I encourage you to share a secret or two... or seven.

Christmas.

2005-12-18T14:31:00.000-06:00

It's nearing Christmas. Only six days away, it is. Such a short time until one of the most over-commercialised holidays is past. It's a funny thing.

People expect so much at this time of year. It's one of the few times they spend ridiculous amounts of money on family and friends. I, personally, have spent pretty much everything I made selling books back to buy Christmas gifts for friends, but my limit for spending on any one person was $10-15, because selling books back just doesn't make that much money. For my family, most everything had already been taken care of.

Anyways. Back to how much people spend. I know I'm not getting much. From my family, I'm getting a new suit and there was something else I'd been there when it was bought that was going as well but I forget what it was. And that's about it. The only other thing I would ask for is a bathrobe, but I can always buy one myself after I've gotten a job.

I think everything for my family from me has been taken care of, gift-wise, except perhaps my brother. (I can't talk about that though, some of them may read this and I don't want to spoil anything.)

And for my friends, even though I've only spent $10 or $15 for each of their gifts, they have been--for the most part--well thought out and considered gifts. In some cases, it's had to be a gift card because that's what's going to be the most useful for its recipient. For those whom I've purchased not a gift card, it's been something that they will like and I've made sure of that. Except one, but that's because I haven't actually talked to him since September or October and I've just guessed something he may or may not like. I'm hoping he does, though.

And I know that from my friends, I'm just not going to get much. I don't expect much. From some of them, I don't expect anything. Really, if someone wants to get me something for Christmas... right now, I wouldn't mind them paying the cost of jewellery to have my ears stretched again. 'Course, that'll only get me halfway to being able to wear my circular barbells again, but it's a start.

And... basically... all I really want for Christmas is to not be the Indistinguishable Backup Friend anymore. I'm tired of feeling that I don't matter, that my schedule is unimportant and I must work around everyone else's. I don't want to stay up one and one-half hours later than I would have wanted to waiting for someone to get home only to have them tell me that "someone's here... I'm going away" within five minutes after they get home. I spent one and one-half hours waiting for that person to get home, but if I had known that that was what was going to happen, I would have just gone to bed.

There's a lot this season that's on my mind. There's a lot that I don't want to tell anyone but a certain person because I have never known him to judge harshly or be critical of my problems. He's always been one of the best listeners I've known. I've never known him to be unkind or uncaring. The year that I marched with him I found more than just a really awesome guy to be a friend... I found a confidante and the person I love perhaps more than anyone else. Now, perhaps, I did not love him so when I first did, but in the time between then and now it has done nothing but grow greater. I would give so much to be able to see him again, but that is uncertain... at least for next summer. Whether or not I march this year will determine it.

This year has been an intriguing year; it has been wonderful and terrible in as many ways as is possible.

I wonder what next year will bring.

Portrait -- Personality

2005-12-17T17:36:00.000-06:00

iNTj description

Of the four aspects of strategic analysis and definition, it is the contingency planning or entailment organizing role that reaches the highest development in Masterminds. Entailing or contingency planning is not an informative activity, rather it is a directive one in which the planner tells others what to do and in what order to do it. As the organizing capabilities the Masterminds increase so does their inclination to take charge of whatever is going on.

It is in their abilities that Masterminds differ from the other Rationals, while in most of their attitudes they are just like the others. However there is one attitude that sets them apart from other Rationals: they tend to be much more self-confident than the rest, having, for obscure reasons, developed a very strong will. They are rather rare, comprising no more than, say, one percent of the population. Being very judicious, decisions come naturally to them; indeed, they can hardly rest until they have things settled, decided, and set. They are the people who are able to formulate coherent and comprehensive contingency plans, hence contingency organizers or "entailers."

Masterminds will adopt ideas only if they are useful, which is to say if they work efficiently toward accomplishing the Mastermind's well-defined goals. Natural leaders, Masterminds are not at all eager to take command of projects or groups, preferring to stay in the background until others demonstrate their inability to lead. Once in charge, however, Masterminds are the supreme pragmatists, seeing reality as a crucible for refining their strategies for goal-directed action. In a sense, Masterminds approach reality as they would a giant chess board, always seeking strategies that have a high payoff, and always devising contingency plans in case of error or adversity. To the Mastermind, organizational structure and operational procedures are never arbitrary, never set in concrete, but are quite malleable and can be changed, improved, streamlined. In their drive for efficient action, Masterminds are the most open-minded of all the types. No idea is too far-fetched to be entertained-if it is useful. Masterminds are natural brainstormers, always open to new concepts and, in fact, aggressively seeking them. They are also alert to the consequences of applying new ideas or positions. Theories which cannot be made to work are quickly discarded by the Masterminds. On the other hand, Masterminds can be quite ruthless in implementing effective ideas, seldom counting personal cost in terms of time and energy.

A full description of the Mastermind and Rational is in People Patterns or Please Understand Me II.

Rationals

RATIONAL NTs, being ABSTRACT in communicating and UTILITARIAN in implementing goals, can become highly skilled in STRATEGIC ANALYSIS. Thus their most practiced and developed intelligent operations tend to be marshalling and planning (NTJ organizing), or inventing and configuring (NTP engineering). And they would if they could be wizards in one of these forms of rational operation. They are proud of themselves in the degree they are competent in action, respect themselves in the degree they are autonomous, and feel confident of themselves in the degree they are strong willed. Ever in search of knowledge, this is the "Knowledge Seeking Personality" -- trusting in reason and hungering for achievement. They are usually pragmatic about the present, skeptical about the future, solipsistic about the past, and their preferred time and place are the interval and the intersection. Educationally they go for the sciences, avocationally for technology, and vocationally for systems work. Rationals tend to be individualizing as parents, mindmates as spouses, and learning oriented as children. Rationals are very infrequent, comprising as few as 5% and no more than 7% of the population.

Information from the results of the Temperament Sorter

Rationals, are the problem solving temperament, particularly if the problem has to do with the many complex systems that make up the world around us. Rationals might tackle problems in organic systems such as plants and animals, or in mechanical systems such as railroads and computers, or in social systems such as families and companies and governments. But whatever systems fire their curiosity, Rationals will analyze them to understand how they work, so they can figure out how to make them work better.

In working with problems, Rationals try to find solutions that have application in the real world, but they are even more interested in the abstract concepts involved, the fundamental principles or natural laws that underlie the particular case. And they are completely pragmatic about their ways and means of achieving their ends. Rationals don't care about being politically correct. They are interested in the most efficient solutions possible, and will listen to anyone who has something useful to teach them, while disregarding any authority or customary procedure that wastes time and resources.

Rationals have an insatiable hunger to accomplish their goals and will work tirelessly on any project they have set their mind to. They are rigorously logical and fiercely independent in their thinking--are indeed skeptical of all ideas, even their own--and they believe they can overcome any obstacle with their will power. Often they are seen as cold and distant, but this is really the absorbed concentration they give to whatever problem they're working on. Whether designing a skyscraper or an experiment, developing a theory or a prototype technology, building an aircraft, a corporation, or a strategic alliance, Rationals value intelligence, in themselves and others, and they pride themselves on the ingenuity they bring to their problem solving.

Rationals are very scarce, comprising as little as 5 to 10 percent of the population. But because of their drive to unlock the secrets of nature, and to develop new technologies, they have done much to shape our world.

For kicks, Personality Types Made Relevant

INTJ: The outside contractor

INTJs are solid, competent personalities who may seem aloof and even arrogant, but who are typically highly skilled in any field which interests them. INTJs are confident in their skills and knowledge, self-assured, and imaginitive; their exceptional problem-solving skills make them ideal architects, auto mechanics, and tools of the evil empire. While it requires the driving will to conquer of an ENTJ to imagine the Death Star and the evil genius of an ENTP to invent its devastating weapons systems, the skill and technical prowess of the INTJ is what makes the whole thing work.

The INTJ sees life as a problem to be solved. For that reason, the INTJ is the person a company brings in from the outside to streamline production processes and identify redundant assets for termination. The INTJ's combination of analyticial problem-solving skills and complete and utter disregard for the morality or consequences of his actions also make him ideal for the job of hatchet man, CIA operative, and helpdesk operator.

RECREATION: INTJs are often baffled by the strange and incomprehensible recreational rituals of other people, such as going to parties, watching television, and having sex. Instead, they prefer to spend their leisure time installing twin missile launchers in their cars to deter tailgaters and playing chess with megalomaniac CEOs of the Tyrell corporation.

COMPATIBILITY: Silly person, INTJs don't have relationships! They may, however build their own friends.

Famous INTJs include J. F. Sebastian and Sgt. Apone.

Logical-Intuitive Intratim - INTj (The Analyst)
Based upon original work by Victor Gulenko with some alterations

INTjs have a characteristic ascetic face. There are two reason for this. Firstly the facial structure itself is often reminiscent of ancient portraits because of its angularity and composition of the features, like cheekbone and eyebrow arcs. Secondly their facial expression is often accepted as emotionless and severe. Their face is usually pale or bloodless. Males often have a short haircut.

In many cases INTjs are slim. Their stomach is usually placed ahead of the chest giving them their characteristic posture. Their gait is somewhat unsure, wavering slightly. Sometimes it seems like they are not sure where they are going. This becomes more obvious in moments of excitement. Their clothes are not usually very striking. INTjs do not like to attract excessive attention to themselves and most of the time they stick to simple clothes, often wearing the same style and composition for a long time.

INTjs behave in a very self-restrained manner with strangers, never showing initiative first and always maintaining a long psychological distance. Their speech is very clear and logical and they always follow a logical progression. They also have a tendency to emphasise key words. When defending their concepts and ideas during a confrontation their logic can become solid and absolute. They cut out all irrelevant details that may cloud the argument.

Although the first impression of INTjs is that they are emotionless, when they become inspired during conversation an emotionality previously unseen begins to emerge. Their eyes start flashing with a fanatic light and their passion increases as the conversation progresses. However, they still try to maintain their self-control. INTjs sustain conversations only if they find them interesting. They prefer to keep silent rather than give an opinion on a subject to which they are indifferent.

INTjs always give others a chance to say what they need to say. They consider that everyone has got talents and they try at least not to interfere. They do not refuse any proposals immediately, preferring to examine them first. INTjs are very reserved and usually do not take the initiative in talking about their interests and private life. This can lead others to think that they have no private life at all.

INTjs have a very characteristic tendency to independence and can only accept a whole freedom. In work matters they combine their need for freedom with a feeling of responsibility. INTjs are not very demanding. They are often indifferent to food and its presentation. It can be simple but must be fresh. When involved in something interesting they can completely forget that they need to eat. In everyday matters INTjs are modest and are happy to have a minimum degree of comfort.

INTjs usually have an interest that stays with them for a long time and are absolutely indifferent to what others say about it. They never endorse their position in life. INTjs live in a world of their own conception. They simply ignore rules, concepts and directives that do not suit them. Most people do not understand INTjs and try to keep away from them.

INTj [+] and [-]

If your type is Logical-Intuitive Intratim - INTj (The Analyst):

[+] You have a strong analytical mind and an ability to understand the structural patterns of any phenomena. You are objective and have a strong sense of justice. You always distinguish primary from secondary avoiding unnecessary details. Through logical progression you can extract and convey a concept to others, always directing peoples' attention to the main idea. You have good intuition. Having analysed an idea and understood its importance and potential you are often converted to it. Your creative intuition constantly develops and perfects it. You also have the ability to handle people carefully, to help them discover and develop their potential and to believe in it.

[-] One of your problems is that your facial expressions and demeanour do not always reflect your real feelings. This often leads others to think of you as a cold and distant person. You also tend to loose contact with people that you have made emotional connections with. Another of your problems is an inability to push your talents and make others aware of it. Your often absent self-confidence amplifies the problem. Sometimes you lack determination and do not adapt very well to rapidly changing life situations. This often makes your already difficult life worse. You often need outside stimulation when beginning new projects.

Portrait of an INTJ

The Scientist
As an INTJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via your intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things rationally and logically.

INTJs live in the world of ideas and strategic planning. They value intelligence, knowledge, and competence, and typically have high standards in these regards, which they continuously strive to fulfill. To a somewhat lesser extent, they have similar expectations of others.

With Introverted Intuition dominating their personality, INTJs focus their energy on observing the world, and generating ideas and possibilities. Their mind constantly gathers information and makes associations about it. They are tremendously insightful and usually are very quick to understand new ideas. However, their primary interest is not understanding a concept, but rather applying that concept in a useful way. Unlike the INTP, they do not follow an idea as far as they possibly can, seeking only to understand it fully. INTJs are driven to come to conclusions about ideas. Their need for closure and organization usually requires that they take some action.

INTJ's tremendous value and need for systems and organization, combined with their natural insightfulness, makes them excellent scientists. An INTJ scientist gives a gift to society by putting their ideas into a useful form for others to follow. It is not easy for the INTJ to express their internal images, insights, and abstractions. The internal form of the INTJ's thoughts and concepts is highly individualized, and is not readily translatable into a form that others will understand. However, the INTJ is driven to translate their ideas into a plan or system that is usually readily explainable, rather than to do a direct translation of their thoughts. They usually don't see the value of a direct transaction, and will also have difficulty expressing their ideas, which are non-linear. However, their extreme respect of knowledge and intelligence will motivate them to explain themselves to another person who they feel is deserving of the effort.

INTJs are natural leaders, although they usually choose to remain in the background until they see a real need to take over the lead. When they are in leadership roles, they are quite effective, because they are able to objectively see the reality of a situation, and are adaptable enough to change things which aren't working well. They are the supreme strategists - always scanning available ideas and concepts and weighing them against their current strategy, to plan for every conceivable contingency.

INTJs spend a lot of time inside their own minds, and may have little interest in the other people's thoughts or feelings. Unless their Feeling side is developed, they may have problems giving other people the level of intimacy that is needed. Unless their Sensing side is developed, they may have a tendency to ignore details which are necessary for implementing their ideas.

The INTJ's interest in dealing with the world is to make decisions, express judgments, and put everything that they encounter into an understandable and rational system. Consequently, they are quick to express judgments. Often they have very evolved intuitions, and are convinced that they are right about things. Unless they complement their intuitive understanding with a well-developed ability to express their insights, they may find themselves frequently misunderstood. In these cases, INTJs tend to blame misunderstandings on the limitations of the other party, rather than on their own difficulty in expressing themselves. This tendency may cause the INTJ to dismiss others input too quickly, and to become generally arrogant and elitist.

INTJs are ambitious, self-confident, deliberate, long-range thinkers. Many INTJs end up in engineering or scientific pursuits, although some find enough challenge within the business world in areas which involve organizing and strategic planning. They dislike messiness and inefficiency, and anything that is muddled or unclear. They value clarity and efficiency, and will put enormous amounts of energy and time into consolidating their insights into structured patterns.

Other people may have a difficult time understanding an INTJ. They may see them as aloof and reserved. Indeed, the INTJ is not overly demonstrative of their affections, and is likely to not give as much praise or positive support as others may need or desire. That doesn't mean that he or she doesn't truly have affection or regard for others, they simply do not typically feel the need to express it. Others may falsely perceive the INTJ as being rigid and set in their ways. Nothing could be further from the truth, because the INTJ is committed to always finding the objective best strategy to implement their ideas. The INTJ is usually quite open to hearing an alternative way of doing something.

When under a great deal of stress, the INTJ may become obsessed with mindless repetitive, Sensate activities, such as over-drinking. They may also tend to become absorbed with minutia and details that they would not normally consider important to their overall goal.

INTJs need to remember to express themselves sufficiently, so as to avoid difficulties with people misunderstandings. In the absence of properly developing their communication abilities, they may become abrupt and short with people, and isolationists.

INTJs have a tremendous amount of ability to accomplish great things. They have insight into the Big Picture, and are driven to synthesize their concepts into solid plans of action. Their reasoning skills gives them the means to accomplish that. INTJs are most always highly competent people, and will not have a problem meeting their career or education goals. They have the capability to make great strides in these arenas. On a personal level, the INTJ who practices tolerances and puts effort into effectively communicating their insights to others has everything in his or her power to lead a rich and rewarding life.

Jungian functional preference ordering:
Dominant: Introverted Intuition
Auxilliary: Extraverted Thinking
Tertiary: Introverted Feeling
Inferior: Extraverted Sensing

INTJ Relationships

INTJ Relationships
INTJs believe in constant growth in relationships, and strive for independence for themselves and their mates. They are constantly embarking on "fix-up" projects to improve the overall quality of their lives and relationships. They take their commitments seriously, but are open to redefining their vows, if they see something which may prove to be an improvement over the existing understanding. INTJs are not likely to be "touchy-feely" and overly affirming with their mates or children, and may at times be somewhat insensitive to their emotional needs. However, INTJs are in general extremely capable and intelligent individuals who strive to always be their best, and be moving in a positive direction. If they apply these basic goals to their personal relationships, they likely to enjoy happy and healthy interaction with their families and friends.

INTJ Strengths
* Not threatened by conflict or criticism
* Usually self-confident
* Take their relationships and commitments seriously
* Generally extremely intelligent and capable
* Able to leave a relationship which should be ended, although they may dwell on it in their minds for awhile afterwards
* Interested in "optimizing" their relationships
* Good listeners

INTJ Weaknesses
* Not naturally in tune with others feelings; may be insensitive at times
* May tend to respond to conflict with logic and reason, rather than the desired emotional support
* Not naturally good at expressing feelings and affections
* Tendency to believe that they're always right
* Tendency to be unwilling or unable to accept blame
* Their constant quest to improve everything may be taxing on relationships
* Tend to hold back part of themselves

INTJs as Lovers
"To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive - to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before." -- Rollo May

INTJs live much of their lives inside their own heads. They constantly scan their environment for new ideas and theories which they can turn into plans and structures. Sometimes, what they see and understand intuitively within themselves is more pure and "perfect" than the reality of a close personal relationship. INTJs may have a problem reconciling their reality with their fantasy.

INTJs are not naturally in tune with their own feelings, or with what other people are feeling. They also have a tendency to believe that they are always right. While their self-confidence and esteem is attractive, their lack of sensitivity to others can be a problem if it causes them to inadvertantly hurt their partner's feelings. If this is a problem for an INTJ, they should remember to sometimes let their mate be the one who is right, and to try to be aware of the emotional effect that your words have upon them. In conflict situations, INTJs need to remember to be supportive to their mate's emotional needs, rather than treating the conflict as if it is an interesting idea to analyze.

Sexually, the INTJ enjoys thinking about intimacy, and about ways to perfect it. In positive relationships, their creativity and intensity shine through in this arena. In more negative relationships, they might enjoy thinking about sex more than actually doing it. They're likely to approach intimacy from a theoretical, creative perspective, rather than as an opportunity to express love and affection. Although, the INTJ who has learned the importance of these kinds of expressions to the health of their relationship is likely to be more verbally affectionate.

INTJs are able to leave relationships when they're over, and get on with their lives. They believe that this is the right thing to do. They may have more difficulty accomplishing the task than they like to exhibit to other people.

INTJs are highly intense, intelligent people who bring a lot of depth and insight into most major areas of their life. In terms of relationships, their greatest potential pitfall is the tendency to think about things rather than doing them, and their difficulty reconciling reality with their inner visions. INTJs are likely to be in positive, healthy relationships, because they're likely to leave relationships which aren't working for them (unless other circumstances prohibit that).

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, the INTJ's natural partner is the ENFP, or the ENTP. INTJ's dominant function of Introverted Intuition is best matched with a partner whose personality is dominated by Extraverted Intuition. How did we arrive at this?

INTJs as Parents
"You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth...
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable." -- Kahlil Gibran

As parents, INTJ's main goal is to raise their children to be intelligent, autonomous and independent. They want their kids to think for themselves and make their own decisions, and so are likely to give them room to grow, and to challenge their decisions and thoughts at key points in their lives.

The INTJ is not naturally likely to be an overly supportive or loving parental figure. Since their own need for expressions of love and affirmation is relatively low, they may have difficulty seeing that need in their children who have Feeling preferences. If they do see this sensitivity, they may not recognize or value the importance of feeding it. In such situations, there will be a distance between the INTJ and the child. This is a problem area for the INTJ, who should consciously remember to be aware of others' emotional needs.

INTJs as Friends
INTJs are usually difficult to get to know well, and difficult to get close to. Those who are close to the INTJ will highly value them for their ideas and knowledge. Although INTJs are generally very serious-minded people, they also have been known to enjoy letting loose and having fun, if others pull them into it. They also can be really good at telling jokes, and exhibiting a sarcastic wit with a poker face.

The INTJ is not likely to choose to spend time with people who they feel don't have anything to offer the INTJ. They especially like to spend time with other Intuitive Thinkers, and also usually enjoy the company of Intuitive Feelers. These personality types love to theorize and speculate about ideas, and so can usually relate well to the INTJ, who loves to analyze ideas.

Many INTJs believe that they are always right. In some INTJs, this belief is quite obvious, while in others it is more subtle. Some people may have a difficult time accepting what they see as a "superior attitude" or "snobbery". Not to imply that INTJs are snobbish, just that some people with strong Feeling preferences may perceive them that way. And some individuals simply have no interest in the theoretical pursuits which the INTJ enjoys.

Careers for INTJ Personality Types

Whether you're a young adult trying to find your place in the world, or a not-so-young adult trying to find out if you're moving along the right path, it's important to understand yourself and the personality traits which will impact your likeliness to succeed or fail at various careers. It's equally important to understand what is really important to you. When armed with an understanding of your strengths and weaknesses, and an awareness of what you truly value, you are in an excellent position to pick a career which you will find rewarding.

INTJs generally have the following traits:

* Able to absorb extremely complex theoretical and complex material
* Driven to create order and structure from theoretical abstractions
* Supreme strategists
* Future-oriented
* See the global, "big picture"
* Strong insights and intuitions, which they trust implicitly
* Value their own opinions over others
* Love difficult theoretical challenges
* Bored when dealing with mundane routine
* Value knowledge and efficiency
* Have no patience with inefficiency and confusion
* Have very high standards for performance, which they apply to themselves most strongly
* Reserved and detached from others
* Calm, collected and analytical
* Extremely logical and rational
* Original and independent
* Natural leaders, but will follow those they can fully support
* Creative, ingenious, innovative, and resourceful
* Work best alone, and prefer to work alone

More so than any other personality type, INTJs are brilliant when it comes to grasping complex theories and applying them to problems to come up with long-term strategies. Since this type of "strategizing" is the central focus and drive of the INTJ, there is a happy match between desire and ability in this type. Accordingly, the INTJ is happiest and most effective in careers which allow this type of processing, and which promote an environment in which the INTJ is given a lot of autonomy over their daily lives.

The following list of professions is built on our impressions of careers which would be especially suitable for an INTJ. It is meant to be a starting place, rather than an exhaustive list. There are no guarantees that any or all of the careers listed here would be appropriate for you, or that your best career match is among those listed.

Possible Career Paths for the INTJ:

* Scientists
* Engineers
* Professors and Teachers
* Medical Doctors / Dentists
* Corporate Strategists and Organization Builders
* Business Administrators / Managers
* Military Leaders
* Lawyers / Attorneys
* Judges
* Computer Programmers, Systems Analysts and Computer Specialists

Yet another personality test

You are a strong individualist who seeks out new angles or novel ways of looking at things...enjoy coming to new understandings...insightful and mentally quick...but this quickness is not always obvious to others since you keep a lot to yourself...you're logical and analytical and ingenious..

You are very determined and trust your vision of the possibilities, regardless of what other people think...you are VERY independent...you are quiet yet firm....You're a damn perfectionist!!

Appear serious and reserved... might be labelled "brains" by others...you probably do/did well in school because you set internal goals for yourself.. being sociable just isn't worth your time and energy...unless there's a purpose for you...you don't like bureaucracy icky because you have to fit into other people's systems and not your own...

You might be frugal unless the money is spent on something you value (like education or a Storm Palace subscription)...you learn best when you can design your own approach...you have a thirst for knowledge..you probably enjoy lectures, libraries, courses and so on...

You are highly independent, and continue on with your plans even in the face of data that might suggest to others that it's no longer feasible... independent individualist....surprised when others don't see your visions the same clear way you do...a job well done doesn't need comment, it speaks for itself...you like decisive and intellectual people...

Man! You're one hell of a relentless organizer! ....tough-minded... once you make your mind up to do something, nothing can stop you.... even your leisure is planned, regualar and disciplined....you tend to avoid fads...you tend to choose partners in your love life who have an outward zest....you keep your affections private, and don't always share 'em with your partner..

You can be intense in your love...generous with gifts if it fits into the ideal the way love should be...when scorned, you retreat into your own world and may share none of your hurt feelings with anyone...you look for the "right" way to end a relationship...

Things to watch for: let go of impractical ideas....don't get so tied up in future thoughts that you ignore the present; you could be surprised... don't ignore the impact of your style on others..not everyone functions the way you do....you might criticize anyone who doesn't match up to how you think they should be...don't become obsessed with unimportant details... demanding...critical...

INTJ: "It's Not Thoroughly Justified"

aaaaaaaaaand... INTJ Profile

(For the record, I am: very expressed introvert, distinctively expressed intuitive personality, distinctively expressed thinking personality,slightly expressed judging personality)

To outsiders, INTJs may appear to project an aura of "definiteness", of self-confidence. This self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for simple arrogance by the less decisive, is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature; its source lies in the specialized knowledge systems that most INTJs start building at an early age. When it comes to their own areas of expertise -- and INTJs can have several -- they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, and if so, how. INTJs know what they know, and perhaps still more importantly, they know what they don't know.

INTJs are perfectionists, with a seemingly endless capacity for improving upon anything that takes their interest. What prevents them from becoming chronically bogged down in this pursuit of perfection is the pragmatism so characteristic of the type: INTJs apply (often ruthlessly) the criterion "Does it work?" to everything from their own research efforts to the prevailing social norms. This in turn produces an unusual independence of mind, freeing the INTJ from the constraints of authority, convention, or sentiment for its own sake.

INTJs are known as the "Systems Builders" of the types, perhaps in part because they possess the unusual trait combination of imagination and reliability. Whatever system an INTJ happens to be working on is for them the equivalent of a moral cause to an INFJ; both perfectionism and disregard for authority may come into play, as INTJs can be unsparing of both themselves and the others on the project. Anyone considered to be "slacking," including superiors, will lose their respect -- and will generally be made aware of this; INTJs have also been known to take it upon themselves to implement critical decisions without consulting their supervisors or co-workers. On the other hand, they do tend to be scrupulous and even-handed about recognizing the individual contributions that have gone into a project, and have a gift for seizing opportunities which others might not even notice.

In the broadest terms, what INTJs "do" tends to be what they "know". Typical INTJ career choices are in the sciences and engineering, but they can be found wherever a combination of intellect and incisiveness are required (e.g., law, some areas of academia). INTJs can rise to management positions when they are willing to invest time in marketing their abilities as well as enhancing them, and (whether for the sake of ambition or the desire for privacy) many also find it useful to learn to simulate some degree of surface conformism in order to mask their inherent unconventionality.

Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.

This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. :-) This sometimes results in a peculiar naivete', paralleling that of many Fs -- only instead of expecting inexhaustible affection and empathy from a romantic relationship, the INTJ will expect inexhaustible reasonability and directness.

Probably the strongest INTJ assets in the interpersonal area are their intuitive abilities and their willingness to "work at" a relationship. Although as Ts they do not always have the kind of natural empathy that many Fs do, the Intuitive function can often act as a good substitute by synthesizing the probable meanings behind such things as tone of voice, turn of phrase, and facial expression. This ability can then be honed and directed by consistent, repeated efforts to understand and support those they care about, and those relationships which ultimately do become established with an INTJ tend to be characterized by their robustness, stability, and good communications.

Introverted iNtuition
INTJs are idea people. Anything is possible; everything is negotiable. Whatever the outer circumstances, INTJs are ever perceiving inner pattern-forms and using real-world materials to operationalize them. Others may see what is and wonder why; INTJs see what might be and say "Why not?!" Paradoxes, antinomies, and other contradictory phenomena aptly express these intuitors' amusement at those whom they feel may be taking a particular view of reality too seriously. INTJs enjoy developing unique solutions to complex problems.

Extraverted Thinking
Thinking in this auxiliary role is a workhorse. Closure is the payoff for efforts expended. Evaluation begs diagnosis; product drives process. As they come to light, Thinking tends, protects, affirms and directs iNtuition's offspring, fully equipping them for fulfilling and useful lives. A faithful pedagogue, Thinking argues not so much on its own behalf, but in defense of its charges. And through this process these impressionable ideas take on the likeness of their master.

Introverted Feeling
Feeling has a modest inner room, two doors down from the Most Imminent iNtuition. It doesn't get out much, but lends its influence on behalf of causes which are Good and Worthy and Humane. We may catch a glimpse of it in the unspoken attitude of good will, or the gracious smile or nod. Some question the existence of Feeling in this type, yet its unseen balance to Thinking is a cardinal dimension in the full measure of the INTJ's soul.

Extraverted Sensing
Sensing serves with a good will, or not at all. As other inferior functions, it has only a rudimentary awareness of context, amount or degree. Thus INTJs sweat the details or, at times, omit them. "I've made up my mind, don't confuse me with the facts" could well have been said by an INTJ on a mission. Sensing's extraverted attitude is evident in this type's bent to savor sensations rather than to merely categorize them. Indiscretions of indulgence are likely an expression of the unconscious vengeance of the inferior.

2005-12-11T15:04:00.000-06:00

Today, I will not become hurt over stupid things.

Tomorrow, I will not acknowledge stupid things.

And perhaps the day after that, I will not do stupid things.

2005-12-11T00:18:00.000-06:00

My car breaks at the most inopportune times.

2005-12-06T20:09:00.000-06:00

I find it kinda funny,
I find it kinda sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had

Things are turning more and more ridiculous, I've figured... no way around that.

It's still cold in my room, even after putting up the curtains... last night I slept in my sweatshirt. I would take my younger sister's room over this. And it's cold in my room because it's cold outside, although I believe my room is colder than anywhere else in the house, except maybe the garage. But that's made up of concrete, metal and cinderblocks, not carpet and curtains and a bed to make the room softer. It's because I have a huge window... and it's 277 Kelvin right now outside, tomorrow it's supposed to be 281 Kelvins and tomorrow night 275 with "a little wintry mix". Does that mean snow? Damn, I hope not. Not until Sunday, please... I need to be able to get to Dallas with Catherine this weekend. Speaking of... I'm excited, I can't wait to be out of the house. I'll be able to talk with Catherine, which will be good... since we've known each other since we were 5, it's easier to talk to her about some things. I have a pre-lab to do and two problem sets to finish for chemistry that are due by Friday... I've already registered for classes next spring, all I have to do now is pay for them and buy my books. I have to make sure they use my scholarship money and not the grant money, because the scholarship will only be available through the spring and summer. Next fall, I'll be done with the junior college and moved on to real university to finish my degree. Then I have to figure out what to do about my Master's. I'm going to be in school for a while... because I intend to get my PhD in psychology. I need to eat something, because I'm feeling pretty cranky right now and that's the only explanation. I need to get a job, which is increasingly difficult as people here want to hire someone who has had previous experience in retail or whatever but none of them are willing to give someone experience working in retail -- even just as a seasonal job. Some of them were, but I missed the big hiring before Thanksgiving because I was stressing out over Phantom auditions. And damn, I wish I hadn't been cut, their show this year is really excellent and I'm going to miss being out on tour. And, if I were in Phantom, I would be much more likely to see him than I am now. I know the Cavaliers are coming to Texas near the end of July (the 21-25 or something like that they'll be in this state) and so I'll be able to see him THEN, but... I want to see him before then. That's not going to happen, though, because he lives in Minnesota and I just wouldn't be comfortable asking him to fly out here sometime to visit, nor would I feel comfortable flying up there to visit him... but it's not so much that I would be uncomfortable with going to visit him, it's just that the only way it would happen would be for me to basically invite myself and that isn't something I do. So it will have to wait until July. I feel horrible about myself. I don't know how to conduct any kind of relationship -- I do okay with friendship but even that's difficult lately, I feel like I don't mean a damn thing to anyone anymore -- and I'm getting frustrated. I've already accepted that I will never, ever be anything but a friend to anyone... but I get tired of having no confidant, being left out of things, feeling like I'm just being used, feeling like no one gives a fuck about me, being ignored... And I'm sure I bring some of it upon myself. I don't communicate well, it's going to lead to me being left out of things, at the very least. Today has not been the best of days. Definitely a "down" day.

I hate this cycle.

2005-11-28T23:29:00.000-06:00

Two fucking points.

AAAAAAAAAAARGH.

Land and Sea

2005-11-24T15:18:00.000-06:00

The night I woke in laughter
the pain came surely after
tried to rise above the sinking feeling
then the rain fell through my ceiling

the lives I lead are not a stranger's
and the quiet I need protects me from danger
I have relied on some strangers notion
close my eyes I am thinking emotion

all I have ever wanted
isn't so strangely out of sync
with where I am now
and if the truth remains in verses
I know the worst is over now

over land and sea in the motion
I have survived more on heat than immersion
I have relied on some divine notion
close my eyes
think I am sick from the motion

all I have ever wanted
isn't so strangely out of sync
with where I am now
and if the truth remains in verses
I know the verse is over now

and with a stronger tie than worship
I know you are there following me
through all the verses I write
and if my truth remains in front of me
I know you are there
I know the worst is over now

2005-11-22T21:04:00.000-06:00

By the way -- this is an update.

I have three more CDs of my mother's to copy, then I must return them all to her.

Just how I feel right now.

2005-11-09T23:15:00.000-06:00

Did you think it wouldn't hurt?
Did you think I wouldn't feel
when the world came falling down?
or maybe you didn't think at all
and that's why I feel what I feel now
Did you think I wouldn't fall?
Did you think I wouldn't cry?
Did you think I wouldn't beg
you to stay?
One of these days you're gonna realize
just what you've thrown away

2005-11-01T17:30:00.000-06:00

Happy All Saints' Day.

I was going to say something yesterday about having a happy Halloween, but I was out all day long.

Aw, crap... I was supposed to go pick up my prescription today, but I think that Walgreens pharmacy is already closed. But maybe they close at 7. Must go check.

2005-10-31T14:19:00.000-06:00

I have the first part of one of the lines in the Goo Goo Dolls song "Broadway" in my head:
It always rains like hell...

Of course, the second bit of that line is "on the losers' day parade" but whatever.

It was raining like hell on me earlier.

2005-10-28T14:57:00.000-05:00

Why does nothing I say matter?

2005-10-28T13:47:00.000-05:00

I can't hold on much longer.

2005-10-26T23:01:00.000-05:00

I read too much in the statement "I love you" when coming from a certain person.

It would be great if I wasn't reading too much into it, but... it's been made obvious a thousand times over that that isn't the case at all.

I also feel almost betrayed by a friend of mine because of something I talked about with her Friday before last and then something they were doing... I give up.

It's pointless... I know I'm going to die utterly alone. And it won't matter.

And I'm throwing away the letters that I am writing you
'cause they would never do,
I would never do

2005-10-25T22:44:00.000-05:00

My room smells like the last food I ate.